


The Boxer

by soobadnoonecanstopher



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boxing, F/M, Self-Defense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:20:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 48,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28421580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soobadnoonecanstopher/pseuds/soobadnoonecanstopher
Summary: Description: You make your way into a local boxing gym, looking for someone who is willing to teach you self defense. The quiet man who runs the gym is unwilling to take you on as a student and you are forced to prove yourself worthy of his instruction.A/N: Finally! this one will be a 4 part story With a two part Epilogue :) Enjoy some Lay folks.
Relationships: Zhang Yi Xing | Lay/Original Female Character(s), Zhang Yi Xing | Lay/Reader, Zhang Yi Xing | Lay/You
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

The building was a bit scary looking. A plain white warehouse in a not so awesome part of town. The paint was chipping away on the walls and the sign on the door had only one name. "The Boxing Gym." There was no business information like a phone number or business hours and you debated for a week about even trying the door but here you stood, with your hand on the door knob about to walk inside.

From the car in the parking lot and the motorcycle parked right on the sidewalk next to the door, you knew there were some people inside and as you walked by the bike you could hear the engine ticking as it cooled off. Whoever rode it here had just arrived within the last hour.

So you inhaled a deep breath and pushed the door open slowly.  
  
It whined and creaked and squeaked in a way that was, strangely, completely fitting with this place and you could her sounds as you took your first step inside.

Grunts.

Breathing.

Quick steps on a padded mat, and the sound of a fist hitting a rubber bag over and over again. You heard the sound of a big push broom sweeping along the floor and someone was whistling. Your eyes adjusted to the dim lighting inside the big warehouse and you looked forward to find a young kid holding the broom, his lips still pursed mid whistle as he looked up with wide surprised eyes as you stepped into the building. He was frozen and his eyes seemed to look you up and down, whether or not he did it intentionally you felt the scrutiny and confusion in his action.

The sounds of the punches landing on the rubber bag continued on and your eyes tracked the sound across the large space to the center of the room. There was a beaten up looking boxing ring and outside of the ring, along the wall was a man. The source of the punches and the grunts and the breaths. He was punching on a large grey bag that hung from the ceiling and he was hopping lightly on his feet, hands up, protecting his face. With each strong blow, his biceps would flex and tense and the muscles in his back would tighten. He wasn't wearing a shirt and his skin glistened with sweat in a way that made you almost want to blush. Almost.

Admittedly, you didn't know much about boxing. You didn't know much about self defense in general, which was the reason for taking the plunge and opening this door. You didn't even know if this was the kind of place that could help you out, but it was close to your apartment and you didn't have a car, so it was worth the shot.

Despite your ignorance, you couldn't deny how good the man looked as he landed punch after punch on the hanging bag. You could see the experience in his actions. You could see the years of practice he'd had as he quickly landed blows up high, crouched down and spun as he landed lower blows. His eyes were hard and focused and his concentration hadn't waned once since you'd arrived.

"Hyung! Someone's here!" The young kid shouted in the direction of the sweaty shirtless man and you saw him land two quick blows into the bag with tight precision before he slowly pulled himself away from the concentration and lifted his eyes to the direction of the kid who stood next to where you waited for his attention.

His eyes slowly moved to where you stood and you watched as the glare instantly left his eyes, changing them into something much less intimidating and he met your eyes with a look that seemed to have a sort of innocent curiosity. But as soon as it appeared it vanished. His eyes hardened again and You saw him straighten up his posture and reach down to grab a white shirt that laid on a chair next to the bag. He pulled the shirt over his head and began making his way to where you stood like a tree planted into the ground as you tightly gripped your bag for security. You felt your cheeks redden and you wondered what in the hell you were even doing here.

The man made his way closer to you and you were taken aback at just how attractive he was. The closer he got the more your eyes widened and your heart raced. You saw big brown eyes, pretty pouty lips, clear bright skin, dark hair that seemed to lay over his head, stuck to his forehead with the sweat on his face. As he walked you noticed the smooth way he moved. As if he glided over to you instead of walked like a normal human being.

"Can I help you?"

His voice was soft. Surprisingly so. You didn't expect such softness from him, and while his tone was not harsh or abrasive you couldn't necessarily say the same thing about his words. There was no politeness or invitation in his words. Merely a "what do you want?" Sort of a question and you couldn't help your nervous shifty eyes as he watched you, expecting an explanation for your sudden appearance in this place that seemed very much to be his own private world.

"Umm, I.." You found your voice, but it sounded too scared and timid for your liking. You closed your eyes tighter, gripped your bag harder and straightened your shoulders before you tried again. You opened your eyes to look at him with confidence and you opened your mouth to speak.

"I wanted to learn how to defend myself. Do you give lessons here?"

The boxer's eyes widened marginally and his nose wrinkled a tiny bit as he seemed to take a microscopic step back. He ticked his head and was about to open his mouth to speak. Something in his movements accentuated his pause though and he blinked slowly at you as if he was still processing your words.

For someone who was so quick on his feet in front of that punching bag, he seemed to be moving in slow motion now.

"Yes! We do give lessons!" A bright voice broke through the silence that hung in the air and you turned your head to the excited face of the young kid with the broom.

"No." The boxer said quietly with a blank disinterested look on his face. He blinked again, slower this time and you saw him take his bottom lip in between his teeth and bite down briefly before he released it.

"He said you do." You said quietly, pointing your finger toward the kid.

"We really do. There's a sign and everything, look." The kids brightness had waned just a bit. Your eyes followed to the back wall where the kid pointed. You noticed he was a little less confident and excited than it had been before and his eyes glanced nervously at the boxer who now stood with his arms folded across his chest. The white shirt he wore had short sleeves and his stance made his biceps pop out, threatening to burst through the thin fabric.

You turned back to the sign that said "Boxing Lessons Available" written hastily with black marker on a sheet of white paper.

The boxer tipped his head in the kids direction and mumbled something in a harsh sounding tone, in a language you did not understand and you saw the kids face drop quickly, clearly admonished for doing something he should not have done and you saw the kid nod once as he turned and pushed the broom away from where you stood next to the sweaty sexy man who didn't want to give you lessons.

This was going worse than you expected and you inhaled a deep breath to try and calm your nerves. You closed your eyes briefly and exhaled the breath before you looked up into his waiting eyes.

He was watching you and probably had been during your whole self calming exercise and you saw a flash of that same curiosity that you saw when you first arrived. When he licked his lips and swallowed you watched his Adam's apple bob up and down in his throat and his eyes roamed over your face as he watched you in silence.

Why was he so quiet?

"Who do you want to defend yourself against?" His soft voice was back. You could hear the edges of an accent slide around his words and judging by the quick way he delivered the other language you figured he was foreign but had been living here long enough to have a very firm grasp of the language.

"Anyone who might want to hurt me," you said quickly with a flippant dismissal of his question. You weren't entirely honest about the subject of your problems, but you didn't really want to get into the gritty details of your obsessive ex boyfriend right now with this handsome stranger who was watching your face a little too intently for your comfort. His eyes narrowed now as he examined you and you wished you didn't have such a transparently nervous reaction to everything he did. He was annoyingly handsome and annoyingly quiet and annoyingly slow talking and you wished he would just get on with it and tell you to get out of his gym already.

"It's harder to defend yourself against someone you know, no matter how scared you are of him. Can you really hurt someone you used to hold in your arms at night?"

You felt a chill run down your spine at his spot on examination of the situation you were in and you couldn't stop the surprised look that took over your face.

You saw the smirk on his face when he realized he was right and as he shook his head, the smirk fell instantly. His eyes hardened again and you could see him dismissing you easily in his mind.

"Call the police, get a restraining order, change your phone number and your locks. These are the normal steps you should take."

"If that doesn't work, get a new boyfriend who can beat the shit out of him for you." He added flippantly and turned his back to you, leaving you standing with your mouth open and your eyes wide. You felt your temper flaring inside you as you were so easily dismissed by this man.

Who the hell was he to refuse to give you boxing lessons. You knew you were strong enough for them. You could handle anything he could dish out at you. Plus there was a sign on the wall. He had to do it! The kid said so and everything.

Steeling your resolve and gathering your courage you took a step into the gym. You found a corner to drop your bag and you balled your fists tightly next to your body. He was walking back to his grey bag and you took careful steps following him. Trailing behind you far enough that he didn't notice you were there until he took his first swift swing at the bag.

You stopped walking when his eyes turned back on you and he noticed you standing there watching him.

“What are you doing?” He asked with his fist still raised for another punch.

You lifted your chin and held up your tightly clenched fists in front of you in a similar fashion as he held his. You bent at your knees and you saw his eyes widen and he stood up straight, watching you mimic his stance.

“Is this the right way to stand?” You asked, looking down at your legs and you heard a sigh from deep within his chest. You saw him drop his hands limply at his side and his eyes squeezed tight as he lifted a hand to pinch at the bridge of his nose.

You punched quickly at the air, fist flying out in front of you like you had seen him do to the grey bag.

“Am I doing it right?” You asked, punching the air in front of you again. You looked up to find him watching you and you saw the smirk on his face that you saw earlier. Only this time he looked away into the empty space of the gym as he shook his head and you saw the deep dimple on his cheek. His hard serious face was instantly transformed into a sweet face so breathtakingly beautiful you had to stop yourself from gasping out loud. Instead you channeled the surprise into your fist and struck out at the air in front of you.

You heard another loud exhale from him and you suddenly felt his warm hands over your fist. The one that you had just punched out. He wrapped his big hand around your whole fist and you felt him squeeze down hard. You felt a sharp pain jolt through shoot through the joint of your thumb. You winced and pulled your hand back hard away from him and you saw the sarcastic smirk widen on his face.

He was laughing at you now and your face heated up as you shook your hand out. The pain faded quickly and you quickly balled your hands back up into a fist. You felt his hands on your hand now only instead of squeezing down hard you felt him prying your fingers open. You resisted some but eventually gave in. His grip was too strong. You thought the was going to flatten your hand out and tell you to go home but to your surprise you felt him arranging your fingers into a fist again, only with your thumb positioned outside of your closed hand.

“There. Now you won't break your thumb when you hit the bastards face.” He said softly and you stared at him in surprise.

You quickly nodded your head and you smiled at him and for a split second he seemed to freeze up. He stared at your excited smile a moment as his own smile seemed to fade and flatten out and his eyes hardened again. The light left and you heard him clear his throat before he spoke again.

“You have money for the lesson?” He said as he abruptly turned back to the grey bag and began landing punches against the bag. His pace was faster than before and something in his body language seemed tense as he hit the bag over and over with such force you flinched with each hit. What the hell had gotten into him now?

“Yes, when can I start?” You said quickly.

You heard him shout out in that language you didn't understand. It sounded like Chinese and based on his accent you figured that was what it was. The kid appeared from a back room with wide eyes and a smile as he quickly made his way to where you stood. The boxer was speaking quickly and the kid nodded as his eyes glanced at you with a friendly smile.

“Welcome to our gym!” The kid exclaimed with a huge grin and you smiled and nodded in response. “You can come with me to pay for the lesson and then you can sweep the floor.”

He began walking away quickly and you followed where he was moving.

“I can what? Sweep what?” You asked as you stopped to quickly grab your bag so you could hand him some cash. The lesson wasn't as expensive as you thought it might be but you weren't sure what sweeping he was talking about.

You found out soon enough as you were instructed out to clean the entire gym from top to bottom. You felt a bit of disappointment honestly. This wasn't boxing. This wasn't self defense. This was cleaning and you did it every day at home. Honestly it wasn't hard but you felt like you were wasting your time.

Luckily you weren't alone. The kid, who you soon learned was named Baozhi, was the boxer’s little brother and was training as well. Or so he told you. He told you plenty. The boy seemed starved for someone to talk to and he kept you company as you cleaned. Oftentimes helping so you could finish whatever task you were on and move on to the next.

“Yixing Hyung, that's my brother. I can't call him Yixing-gege while we're here though. He says I need to use Hyung. He says this part of the training is to weed out the people who aren't serious about lessons. I'm supposed to get their money first and then put them to work. You see there are no refunds, and the ones who leave because they don't want to clean don't get their money back and Hyung doesn't have to teach them, so we really like when they give up.”

“Usually when that happens we get to go out for dinner. I really like when people give up because we don't have to eat ramyun. We get to eat beef. I hope you don't give up though. All you have to do is listen to him and clean really well. He's hard to please and sometimes he gets really mad, but he's not a bad person.” Baozhi chattered on and on and you listened as you wiped the mat of the boxing ring. The more you wiped the more grimy grey filth coated your wet towel and you were convinced this part of the gym hadn't been cleaned in a very long time.

“Honestly you're the first one to make it this far. No one’s ever cleaned that. Wow! Look at all that dirt!” Baozhi smiled wide as he started down at the cloth in your hands. You couldn't help but smile back at the kid. He was so friendly and bright, it was hard not to like him.

“You also don't seem to talk much…he's going to appreciate that. He's a quiet guy too. I talk too much, he says. He's always yelling at me to shut up, but sometimes I just have a lot to say. I can't help that I'm a social person.” For such a young kid he was remarkably self aware and surprisingly mature. You suddenly wondered where his mother and father were, and why he wasn't in school. Although it was possible that he was out on a summer break right now, given the time of year. He had to be 16 or 17 years at the oldest.

You didn't ask him though. Honestly Baozhi didn’t give you much of a chance to ask any questions. His mouth flew quickly on to the next topic and you soon forgot what you even wanted to ask him as you waited for a pause in his words.

Halfway in the middle of pulling out rugs to the back patio of the gym and beating them as hard as you could with busted up mop handles, you heard someone open the door. You looked up, coughing as the dust filled your nose and made your choke and you looked at the door to see Yixing standing at entry way. He looked wet. Wetter than he looked when he was sweating, his hair was wet and you could tell he had just come from the shower. He was wearing fresh clothes and his skin looked clean and fresh. You looked at the beautiful specimen before you and grimaced as you looked down at your own stained, dirty clothes. Your fingernails were black and your hands were filthy. You were pretty sure your hair was a wreck and your face would be stained with a however disgusting thing you had been cleaning out for the last 4 hours.

“It's time to eat.” He said gruffly as he took in your appearance. He spun on his heels and you dropped the broken mop handle you had been using to beat out the rugs with and quickly made your way inside. Baozhi was jumping and dancing around you like an excited puppy and you felt him pulling you off to the side of the gym. Yixing was headed inside but Baozhi tugged at you so you went with him instead of following the boxer.

“The showers are here Noona, you have to wash your hands and face well before dinner, you're very dirty.” He lead you into a small room with a single shower stall and a trough-like sink with a row of three faucets. There was a drain in the floor and the tiles were slick with water from what you assumed had been Yixing's shower. You smelled a light soap scent in the air that made your nose tingle and did something else to your stomach that you tried to ignore.

Baozhi began washing up and you followed suit, immediately seeing the flaw in the design of this bathroom. Obviously being a man would have helped much more but you awkwardly tried to manage your filth while keeping yourself fully clothed. In the end you didn't feel that much cleaner and you longed for that shower, some soap, shampoo, and a little privacy. You hadn't expected to get so dirty and you didn't bring any extra clothes anyway, so you just figured you'd clean yourself up as best as you could and shower when you got home. You were close by anyway.

When you both made your way into the gym you noticed a small table set up in the corner near a small makeshift kitchen complete with an added on sink, a mini fridge and a microwave. There was even a small two burner camping stove that was on, with a pot of soup that sat on top bubbling away. You smelled the air and your stomach growled at the delicious aroma that filled your senses and whet your appetite. You hadn't realized just how hungry you were until that smell hit your nose, but you had worked hard and you welcomed the food.

You followed behind Baozhi as he dished out rice and soup and looked on in surprise when he handed the dishes to you. His eyes and eyebrows shot behind him and you instantly understood. Yixing sat at the table waiting with his hands folded patiently in front of him and you quickly grabbed a set of chopsticks and a spoon and brought the food over to him where he sat. You laid it out in front of him and he quietly nodded his head, a silent approval that seemed to ignite something inside you. This quiet man wasn't so hard to please after all. You smiled to yourself when you saw his eyebrow twitch upward a millimeter on his face and a tiny smile played out on his lips.

You noticed Baozhi had set out two servings of food for you and for him and you quickly grabbed utensils for both of you to use. Your eye caught a pitcher of water and cups and you grabbed those as well and joined the other two at the table.

With a quick word of thanks for the meal you paused as the other two began eating and you quickly joined in.

“Hyung, this is good! Did you make this for a special reason? You usually only make this for my birthday, or when you want to impress someone who shows up for dinner.” Baozhi spoke between big bites, his mouth was full of rice and he tried to keep it from spraying out of his lips as his words tumbled out of his mouth. You saw him swallow a big bite of food down and he seemed to be hiding a smile on his face. When you risked a glance at Yixing you noticed the hard clench of his jaw and he seemed to be chewing way too hard for rice and soup.

His voice growled out in Baozhi’s direction in Chinese and you didn't understand what he told the kid but you saw the smile Baozhi was fighting back hard to keep hidden as he stuffed another bite of rice in his mouth and took a big slurp of soup.

Your curiosity got the best of you and you leaned in close to whisper to Baozhi. The two of you had worked very closely all afternoon and had developed a bit of a solidarity between each other.

“What did he say?” You whispered, fully aware that Yixing was within ear shot of you and he probably heard your question despite your low whisper.

Baozhi smiled and swallowed his food as he leaned over to where you sat.

“He told me to shut up and eat or he would take the back wheel off my motorcycle and sell it at the pawn shop.” You heard the amusement in his voice and your eyes widened, realizing that the motorcycle parked outside must belong to the kid.

You couldn't help your own giggle. It only lasted for a second before your attention was on Yixing who was quickly standing up and heading toward the front door. You noticed him stop and pick up a big wrench that leaned up against the wall near the mini fridge and he was carrying it with him as he slowly made his way to the door.

“Shit!” Baozhi cursed in a high panicked voice. “Hyung! No! Don't sell my wheel again! I had to pay $50 to get it back last time, I'm sorry I'll be quiet now, I swear I will!”

Baozhi was rushing to his brothers side as he grabbed at his arm and pleaded for mercy. You felt a twinge of guilt in your belly and you frowned. This was because of your own curiosity. You had gotten Baozhi in trouble with his brother and now he was going to be punished by him. You quickly rose and rushed at the pair. Yixing was still moving slowly toward the door and Baozhi was pulling at his arm, whining and begging to be let off the hook ‘just this once’.

“Don't take his wheel, it was my fault. I'm the one who made him talk,” you said. You had circled in front of them and cut them both off as they made their way. You saw the surprise in Yixing's eyes as you spoke confidently to him and stood in front of them, blocking their way.

“I will take responsibility. Punish me instead.” You said with confidence as you faced the eyes of the handsome man who still held on to the large wrench. Baozhi's eyes widened at your words and you could see the look of genuine shock on his face. Yixing seemed to be watching you closely again and you saw a flash of amusement in his features. You saw the small smile playing at his lips and the curiosity brewing in his pretty brown eyes.

You took a step closer to him and you noticed his eyes widened as you moved into his space now. You could smell the same clean soapy smell that you had picked up in the shower and it smelled different now that it was coming from him. It smelled even better now, mixing with his own manliness, you eyes were on his and you slowly reached your hand out to touch the wrench he held in his hands. You saw him arch one eyebrow when he felt your fingertips over his hand and when you touched the hard metal of the wrench and wrapped your palm securely around the handle you felt him suddenly let go of the heavy object. It dropped quickly and you scrambled to grab it with your other hand before it clattered to the floor. You hadn't expected it to be so heavy but it seemed to weigh a ton. You saw the smile on Yixing's face now as he watched you heave the heavy wrench up. It was as big as your whole arm and you cradled it carefully in both of your arms, using your strength to hold it carefully.

“Okay. You take responsibility then.” You heard his soft voice speaking now and you looked up from the heavy wrench in your arms with wide surprised eyes. He had caved so easily. Was this a test?

“Give me 5 times around the block,” Yixing said and your eyes widened. You felt the fatigue from the day's work catch up to you and you sighed a chest heaving sigh of defeat. You hadn't even gotten to finish your dinner. His eyes stayed on you, probably half expecting you to toss the wrench back in his face and tell him to go to hell. But you screwed your mouth shut and nodded your head. You moved to return the wrench back to its spot leaning up against the wall and when you stood back up, dusting your hands free of the dirt from the wrench he was back at your side and his eyes were on you again.

There was something in his expression that puzzled you and you began to make your way toward the door to begin your laps when you heard him call your name. There was a sort of a sing song sound in his voice. The sound of your name on his pretty voice did something stupid inside your head and you admonished yourself for relishing in the sound of it.

When you turned back around to see why he had called you, you noticed he was seated back at his place at the table continuing his meal. Between bites of rice he looked at you and nodded toward the wrench leaning against the wall.

“Don't forget your wrench.” He said casually and with a hint of amusement in his voice. You felt a sinking feeling inside of you. Whatever elation you had felt when he addressed you by name in that pretty voice was gone instantly when you realized what he meant.

He wanted you to do your laps while you carried the big wrench that weighed probably 40 pounds. You could hardly pick it up, let alone run with it around the block 5 times.

“You want me to carry it while I run?” Your voice was too high. You could hear the blaring annoyance in your own voice at what he was asking you to do and he shrugged as he took another bite of his soup.

“You can quit if you want to. Go home, go to the police, file a report, get a boyfriend…I believe I've already told you what a normal woman would do in a situation like this.” His nonchalant voice irked you and tested at the tightly wound rubber band that was threatening to snap inside your head. The way he said the word normal particularly irked you and you nearly did it. You nearly told him to fuck off and left this godforsaken place for good and never ever came back. You almost caved.

You saw a flash of a memory. A flash of the man who tormented you for years. The man who wore a badge and all the influence that came along with that badge. The man who forced himself on you over and over again and threatened your life when you left. The man who swore up and down you would never be safe as long as he wasn't the man in your life.

You couldn't go to the police. He was the police. You felt the anger pulsing inside you like a tapped vein and you harnessed it. You caressed it with your minds fingers and you stroked it. That anger would give you the strength to do this. You could do it.

With a new found determination that would probably leave you busted and broken when you were done tonight, you marched over to the big stupid wrench and picked it up.

Baozhi caught your eye and what you saw there was fear. Worry. He was suddenly scared for you and his mouth was silenced by his stunned expression. He had no words suddenly as he watched you carry the wrench toward the door.

“Hyung!” You heard his young voice call out to Yixing.

You didn't stick around for Yixing's response to his brothers pleading because you were out the door and you were running. Your arms were aching by the end of the block and you could feel the heavy wrench slipping as your skin grew slick with sweat.

Your heart raged, you huffed and puffed and your arms felt like they were about to fall off and you still had 4 more rounds to do. You briefly wondered if they would search for you if you suddenly dropped dead and never came back. Baozhi would probably mourn you. Yixing would sigh and shake his head, claiming that he had done nothing wrong. You chose to train with him and he tried to discourage you. You chose to try and fight back instead of seeking out help from the authorities.

Your legs moved on their own now and your mind began to wander as you ran. You knew you were moving slowly. Much slower than you would be running if you didn't have to carry the big stupid hunk of metal. By the end of the third lap you were hardly even running at all. Your pace was so slow and stunted, an outside observer would think you were injured. Your hands were so slick with sweat now that you felt the wrench slipping. You heaved it back up inside your arms and you cradled it tightly to your chest. Each new step made it slip lower and lower and the battle was on just to keep it inside your arms.

At one point you stepped down particularly hard and you felt it slip. It vanished from your grip and landed with a heavy clattering thud on the pavement at your feet. Your momentum carried you too fast and you felt yourself falling. You felt your knees hit the pavement hard and you didn't feel the pain immediately. You knew you'd feel it later, but right now you scrambled to lift yourself up off the ground before you couldn't move at all. You turned and picked the wrench back up. Your body screamed at you and the throbbing in your knee started. Trying to distract you from your mission. You told it to shut the hell up and you set out again. You had reached the gym again and you caught the worried eyes of Baozhi as he stood at the door next to his motorcycle. His eyes were alarmed as he took in your appearance he rushed inside the gym, probably to give his brother a progress report.

You didn't care. You ran on and your legs carried you, now moving on their own. You no longer had any control over your limbs. You merely moved and your body did what it had to do to survive this. Everything was numb and you moved on.

You saw it. You saw the gym, it was in your sights and you were going to make it. You were limping now and hardly even moving but you held on tightly to the wrench, your arms cramping up and holding it tightly against your body like your life depended on it.

Your feet tingled and complained and you felt a stickiness all over your skin. Your sweat cleansing your skin of any remaining bits of dirt you had on your body from the hours of rigorous cleaning you had been doing all afternoon.

As you drew closer to the front door of the gym you saw both figures standing at the doorway. Baozhi's worried eyes clashed with the hard angry eyes of his older brother Yixing and you hardly noticed as you reached the door and dropped the heavy wrench at his feet. The loud clatter was the last sound that echoed through your mind before you felt your legs give and you collapsed at his feet. You felt strong arms lifting you and angry words shouting at you, calling you a “stupid stubborn woman” and shouting at you to drink this and open your eyes.

Your eyes definitely opened when you felt a firm hand slapping against your cheek roughly and you saw his eyes. The harshness and anger that was there when you last saw them was gone. Replaced by worry. Replaced by something else. Sadness maybe. Perhaps it was guilt. You couldn't be sure. You were a bit out of it.

“Are you awake now?” There was something that felt like relief in his voice and it was too thick sounding. It wasn't that same disinterested soft voice that he usually spoke in and you noticed you were laying in a bed. You noticed your sweats were cut on one leg and you saw the bandage that was over your knee, tinted with bright red that seeped through. The soreness you felt in your body was intense and surprising.

You forced yourself to sit up and you felt yourself pushed back against a pillow.

“Just lay still,” Yixing's voice said. It wasn't as hard as you had expected and he seemed to be treating you much more carefully than he had been treating you all afternoon. You gave in. You were too sore from the run. Whatever he had you drinking through this straw tasted salty and bad but you noticed you felt better.

His eyes seemed unfocused as he watched you and you saw them trail over your length a little too slowly. His scrutiny made you squirm a bit and finally his eyes settled and rested over your injured knee. You watched him curiously and silently as he lifted a hand rested his palm flat over the bandage that covered your skinned knee. He didn't apply pressure, but the warmth of his hand made his touch just a tad uncomfortable. He must have put some ointment for pain because it wasn't as bad as you thought it would be.

“Who hurt you so badly that you're willing to do this to yourself?” His voice was so soft you almost thought he was talking to himself, but his eyes finally moved and settled into your own eyes, heavy and pleading. You saw the way his eyebrows screwed together and he reached his tongue out and licked his his bottom lip. You saw his chest rise and fall with his deep chesty inhale and exhale and his eyes blinked at you, too slowly. Every action of his in slow motion and the waiting was beginning to feel normal when you listened to him talk.

You didn't answer his question. You merely watched him curiously as he seemed to be coming to some of his own conclusions. You couldn't help your silence. The details were too painful to breach, especially with this man you hardly knew.

His hand was no longer on your knee and you saw him scooting up closer to your face at the head of the bed where you lay. Who's bed was this? Was this his own bed? You turned your head into the pillow and found yourself overcome by the smell of him. Clean. Sexy. Manly. It was definitely his own bed.

His eyes were on your head and you felt his hands in your hair. He was smoothing and picking and tucking away at the mess you had there. You wanted to tell him to just leave it, that it didn't matter to you, that you'd just have a shower and deal with the disaster of a state that you were in, but try as you might you couldn't get the words out. You were too shocked at the sweet gesture from this man who had merely glared at you and grumbled orders in your general direction all day.

You watched his face as he fussed over you and you felt his hands rubbing along your cheek and he seemed to be cleaning off dirt. His hands moved, swiftly yet gently and you started at him in a sort of quiet wonder.

“Yixing,” you said in a quiet tone. His hands froze, one on your cheek and the other on your neck as he leaned in close to you. You watched his eyes close briefly before he opened them and focused on you. His hands stayed where they lay and when he looked at you the realization of just how close he was, hit you hard. You felt a warmth spread over your skin, traveling up your neck from your chest to touch your cheeks. His eyes watched your face for what felt like too long of a moment.

“You're a goddamned mess.” He said finally. Something in his words made you think that maybe he wasn't just talking about the current state of your appearance. He clenched his jaw and you saw his eyes dart over your face briefly before he abruptly sat back in the chair he had occupied for a moment. Then you saw him quickly rise to his feet and he turned to leave the room.

You sat up in the bed, unwilling to spend the night in his bed and feeling a need for a real shower. He turned to watch you as you sat up on the edge of the bed. You tested out your sore muscles, finding them good enough to go home with. You would take some pain medicine. You were sure it would be much worse tomorrow.

“Baozhi will take you home,” Yixing spoke in that same soft tone he always did. Only now you noticed a touch of something hidden just below the surface. Something different now and you wondered how long it would take for you to figure out what that was.

“I'm only a block away.” You said matter of factly. It was the truth. You would be home in such a short amount of time it wasn't even worth getting in the car.

“Then he will walk you home.” He said without room for argument and you sighed and nodded your head.

You rose and made your way out of the room and you noticed he seemed to linger as you made your way. He wasn't fussing anymore but there was something in his behavior that definitely hovered. It felt like maybe he had something to say but was working it out in his head. You didn't want to rush the man but you honestly wanted your hot shower and your warm bed right now. You turned down a hallway and grabbed your bag which was at the end of the hallway and you noticed as you walked you came out into the small kitchen of the gym. They lived here at the gym. This was their home and their business. You found your curiosity about their parents growing even further.

“I'll train you.” You heard his voice speak up behind you and the sound made you turn around quickly. More than the sound, the words he spoke surprised you and sparked an excitement inside you. You found yourself smiling at him and you saw his eyes glance down at your mouth as you did it.

“I won't go easy on you.” He added in way of a warning. You hadn't expected anything other than that. Based on his strict character you knew this would be tougher than anything you'd ever done in your life. But you had to do it. You had to survive and you had to make that bastard who hurt you pay. You nodded your head and lifted your chin. Gathering what was left of your resolve and self pride.

“Neither will he,” you responded, and you made your way quickly out of the gym with a new found resolution. For once in 3 years you finally felt something you never dared to feel.

Hope.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: this chapter contains a vivid description of a panic attack, and mentions of abuse, and violence against women. Please read with care if you are sensitive to these topics.

You awoke that morning with a soreness in your limbs and a stiffness in your body that screamed at you as you tried to get up out of bed. It was early. The birds weren't awake yet, but you had been so exhausted last night that you fell asleep as soon as you stepped out of the shower last night. It had been early enough that by 5am you tossed and turned in your bed, unable to sleep any more, but too sore to really want to get up yet. Eventually your bladder made you get up so you started your day earlier than you usually did.  
  
You weren't a stranger to exercise. You jogged and frequented the gym when you needed the extra help and you even tried to take the stairs as much as you could, but you had never experienced something so intense as yesterday with the stupid wrench.

You wondered how difficult this training was going to be and your mind wandered to your new teacher. You wondered how hard he would be on you. You wondered if you would be able to do it.  
  
You shook those negative thoughts away. You had to do it. This wasn't a matter of choice any more, you needed to be able to defend yourself in order to survive.

Your mind flashed to the face of the man who sought you out over and over again, each time you moved. You remembered the feeling of freedom when you finally left him. You saved up money secretly and applied for a job in a new town and you left in the middle of the night. Taking only what was essential and leaving behind everything else.

You couldn't imagine his anger when he discovered your absence.  
  
Jang Kangwoo. Your ex boyfriend, respectable police officer, highly recommended by your friends who had set you up on that first blind date three years ago.

And you had liked him enough. He seemed nice and he seemed to really take a liking to you. He was just a little sweet, just enough to put your mind at ease despite the strange look you sometimes found in his eyes.

That strange look that churned your stomach when you saw it. The look that made you on edge as if you sat next to someone who had been blowing a balloon up for too long and you knew in your mind that it was about to pop at any second.

The first time the balloon popped, you stood stunned as your face stung where his hand had slapped you hard, making your head spin and your breath leave your lungs.

It was your giggling on the phone that did it. You were taking with a co-worker, discussing dinner plans and you were laughing at his jokes. You remembered the way the phone flew out of your hand and smashed against the wall and the way your head flew backwards when he hit you.

You had been so shocked at the time.

He had been shocked too, once the dust settled.

He was tears and apologies and you were stunned and silent.

His jealously mounted and intensified. His violence followed suit and your patience wore out. How long did you tolerate it? How many months did you endure in the name of love. You let out a bitter laugh. That wasn't love. That could never be love. That was Kangwoo trying to own you again. Trying like hell to make you his own possession that he could control and mold into his sick idea of what a woman should be.

When you left him, he begged, he promised, he cried, but you didn't cave.

Until he found you and you soon found out that he wasn't above making you cave to him.

When you left again you swore to yourself that it wouldn't happen again.

Even if you had to kill him, you would stop him.

You weren't his and you'd never be his again.

The darkness of your thoughts were interrupted by a light knock on your door. It sounded soft and quiet, almost as if your visitor was cautious about making too much noise. Perhaps it was the fact that it was still so early in the morning the sun wasn't even up yet. Who the hell would be here now?

You pushed away the chill that ran up your spine and pulled yourself. When you looked through the peephole you were surprised but not in a bad way. You saw his dark hair, illuminated by the small lightbulb that hung outside of your door. You saw his handsome face angled down as he waited. He was silent and still as always and something in your stomach flipped at the sight of this beautiful man standing at your door, waiting for you to answer. It wasn't even 6am yet. Who comes to knock before 6am? What the hell kind of man is this?

You unlocked the door and pulled it open. Yixing looked up into your curious eyes when you pulled the door open and you couldn't keep your face as still and passive as his. You smiled at him and his eyes glanced down to your lips for a second. You froze under his careful watch and noticed his eyes trailed lower, steadily tracking their way entirely down your body until they stopped on your still-bandaged knee.

After a moment he pulled them back up and looked into your eyes.

You were just out of bed, cleaner now since he last saw you and your pajamas consisted of a light tank top and short sleep shorts. You quickly crossed your arms over your chest, blaming the chill in the hallway for your gesture. It wasn't his eyes. It had to be the cold. You noticed that he stood completely still. He didn't make any motion to come inside without your express invitation. He wasn't even leaning into you as he waited. He simply stood still as he watched you, well outside of your home.

Was this intentional? Was he really so aware of your comfort?

You stepped back and motioned for him to step inside and he moved fluidly through the doorframe. You felt his warmth against your skin as he paused at your doorway where you stood and removed his shoes. He continued his steps past you into your living room, walking slowly and gracefully on sock covered feet. When he had traveled all he seemed intent on traveling he spun on his heels and faced you.

You had to admit, you had been watching him instead of actually moving yourself. He was so beautiful when he moved you had momentarily forgotten where you were and what was happening.

“How is your knee?” His soft voice broke the silence and you walked closer to him, closing the huge gap between where you both stood.

“It's okay, it's not as bad as I thought it would be.” Your eyes caught the shape of his body line as you walked closer. He filled out his tight black shirt in a way that did weird things to you. The sweatpants he wore seemed to be fitted. They hinted at muscular legs, strong thighs, a perky ass. You stopped your eyes before they took in the view any more and closed them tightly. With a deep inhale you angled your face up, careful not to give him clues that you had been checking him out like the sexy piece of ass that he was.

“Good. Your wound was mostly superficial. You'll get through it.” His voice danced in your head. There was a lightness in it that you liked the sound of.

“Get through what?” You asked, suddenly realizing he was clearly here for a reason.

You caught the quick glance down your body again and he shook his head a tiny bit before he looked back up into your eyes.

“Do you have a job to be at any time soon?” He asked.

“Not for 3 hours.” You replied and you saw the smirk appear on his lips.

“Get changed. Your training starts now.” His order was harder now. You could hear the teacher in him speaking, giving you no room for disobedience. His eyes watched you expectantly and you started at him in a bit of confusion. Your mind was groggy still from sleep and you considered what you should wear since you'd ruined your last pair of sweats.

You saw motion and he moved quickly, popping his face in front of you, you heard a loud snap that brought you out of your stupor. He smirked again, much closer to you and he lowered his fingers, which he had just snapped to break you out of your trance.

“Oh, uhh, yes.” You mumbled quickly, suddenly embarrassed that he had to get you moving like that. You began to turn to head into your room to change when you felt two strong hot hands land firmly over your shoulders. His hands held you tight, kept you from moving and you saw him dip his head lower, landing himself firmly in your line of sight. The look in his eyes was firm and nearing on dangerous now. It made you flinch and gasp as he looked at you and held you in front of him.

“Yes, Sir,” he said in a low voice and you felt your pulse beating furiously within your ears. You felt a warmth over your skin and you knew you were blushing.

He held you still and you nervously bit down on your lip. He was so close you could smell him. Manly, clean, dangerous. You caught the movement of his pupils as they ticked down and watched your mouth for a second before they popped back up to look into your eyes.

“Yes, Sir.” You said with as much confidence as you could muster. You felt his hands instantly release you and you spun on your heels and rushed into your bedroom to change your clothes. The effects of him followed you and you bumbled with the sports bra, shorts and t shirt as you pulled them hastily onto your body. You grumbled at the strong effect he had on you. He hadn't even really done anything. But he didn't really have to do much. You just couldn't help it.

How would you get through this training if he was going to do things like that? Watching your mouth. Smelling so fucking good you wanted to eat him alive.

You came out of your room and found him leaning against the wall of your kitchen staring at your bedroom door. His eyes found yours as soon as you emerged and you paused at the door. You noticed his eyes looking down at your legs again.

“I'll have to buy some new sweats. Mine got ruined yesterday.” You offered by way of explaining the the short shorts you were wearing. You figured they should be fine as long as you didn't fall down again.

“Sit.” His head ticked a hair and you looked down to see one of your kitchen chairs next to him.

You nodded quickly and rushed to sit on the chair. You weren't sure what he was doing but you didn't want him to snap his fingers at you again so you were sure to pay attention to his commands.

He moved down onto the floor in front of you and you felt his warm hands wrap around your calf. You tried with all of your might not to sigh at his touch and his focus seemed on your injured knee. You felt him moving your leg and he lifted your leg up high, forcing you knee to bend all the way as he pushed your calf up high. His eyes watched your leg and you prayed that your short shorts covered your underwear. You definitely didn't need to give him a show right now. The higher he pushed your leg, the further apart your legs moved and you were sure he could see something if he looked.

Your modesty got the best of you and you moved your hands down between your legs covering the gap in the fabric between your shorts and your panties.

When you moved your hands you saw it. His eyes shifted to follow the movement of your hands and he paused on the sight of your hands splayed out over your crotch.

There was no reaction as his eyes moved back to look at your knee’s movement and motion.

The man was still and focused, despite your own discomfort and you felt a tiny sliver of disappointment.

He was unaffected by you. It was unfair. You were so affected by him. You felt him stand and he pulled your leg up high, testing the flexibility in your leg as he did it and your knee performed fine. You had been so distracted that you didn't even feel the pull of the scraped skin across your kneecap.

He stood and placed your foot on his belly. You felt rock hard abs there under your toes and you couldn't help as you wiggled your toes just a little where he rested and pushed against the foot of your outstretched leg. You bent your knee under his weight and he ignored your wiggling toes.

You watched his face carefully. Focus. Still. Calm.

There was a tick of his eyebrow upward above his right eye. A tiny flinch of movement.

Maybe he had an itch.

You felt his hand suddenly at the top of your toes and he gripped your foot tightly. Too tightly for what he was doing. He stilled your wiggling toes completely inside his warm hand and you smiled despite your attempt to keep it under wraps. You saw the scowl on his lips then, and the furrow of his brow as he quickly dropped your foot all the way to the ground. You hadn't expected it and your foot went crashing down against your floor. You yelped out loud and he turned leave the room for the door way.

“Your knee is fine. Get your shoes on. We're running.” He was sitting at the doorway, tying his shoes and you scrambled to quickly put on your socks and your shoes before he was out the door long before you.

Outside of your apartment he was stretching. You copied his movements as best you could.

He was more flexible than you were. You watched in awe at some of the stretches he easily pulled off that had you grunting and wincing.

“Where are we running to?” You asked, suddenly curious about the torture he had in store for you today.

You saw him shrug and look around his surroundings.

“The river.” He said flatly and you squinted at him suddenly confused.

“What river? The closest river is like 10 miles from here.” He didn't even look up at you as he started running away from you.

You chased after him quickly. You caught up easily, noting that although he seemed to be ignoring you as he ran, he was actually holding back quite a bit as he paid attention to your cues to set the pace. You ran at a pace that was comfortable to you and you noticed he fell into step easily beside you.

If you were being honest it was nice.

You'd never had a jogging buddy before. Although Yixing was a bit too intimidating to be any kind of buddy.

“Umm, what happens when we reach the river? Are we going to run back too?” You asked suddenly as your mind drifted.

“Baozhi said you were quiet.” He said quickly and in a tone that told you talking while exercising was not allowed and you zipped your lips tightly.

About halfway to the river, by your estimate, you actually had no idea, you began to feel it. Your chest ached with each breath and your limbs were going numb with all the running. You longed for your headphones and your music to distract yourself from the pain you felt in your body and more annoyingly in your injured knee. The sweat on your skin was beginning to sting the scrape. You had noticed that your pace had slowed steadily as your ran on. You noticed he kept going and you pushed yourself to keep up with him now. His pace was so steady. Disgustingly steady. You scowled grumpily at his perfect back.

You huffed and you puffed and you lagged behind until you saw him look around, obviously expecting you to be beside him and not finding you, he turned mid stride and fell back to run in line with you.

You were a sweaty heaving mess and he was hardly breathing faster than usual. What the hell was this guy?

“You're slowing down.” He stated the obvious next to you in that strict voice that told you he was in teacher mode again.

You panted and nodded, physically unable to respond with words.

“You aren't allowed to slow down.” His eyes widened at you with a smirk and a lift of his eyebrow and you felt a chill run down your spine. The sweat that rested between your shoulder blades tingled and soaked your shirt.

“Come on.” He said and he took off running again, at the same pace he had held easily before. The pace you kept for half of the race that now seemed way too fast.

“Yes…..Sir” you puffed through your lips, even though you wanted to curse at him instead. You forced your legs to run. Pulled at your own muscles and somehow talked them into behaving themselves as you took up your spot next to him now.

You felt dizzy and you were having trouble thinking of anything other than the pavement below your feet. You ran and you ran, not paying attention to anything other than the steady thump thump of you feet as they hit the ground.

You were lulled into a daze. You knew your body was disconnecting as you ran so you could complete the difficult task.

You were thrust back into the reality of your aching body quickly when you felt his hands grip around your shoulders and pull you hard to the left. You lifted your head just in time to see the cyclist barreling down the pathway you were running in. You would have been hit by him if Yixing hadn't pulled you out of the way.

You looked up in surprise as you ran beside him and his eyes were hard and angry. Angrier than you had seen them since you had completed the last lap with the wrench and collapsed at his feet in front of the gym.

“Where the fuck is your mind?” He shouted over the sound of your heavy breathing and your feet hitting the ground. You shook your head and tried to mumble some sort of an apology while trying to keep your pace up.

“I'm sorry, I didn't..” You trailed off, breathing too hard to apologize properly to him for your near disaster.

You saw his eyes widen and grow harder and he stopped running. You had to pull yourself into a stop and you jogged back to where he had stopped in the street.

He was angry. He was holding his hand up to your face and you saw him coming closer. You flinched when he came up to your face with his angry eyes and his furrowed brows. His nostrils flared as he breathed and his chest heaved. You wondered briefly how much of his heavy breathing was due to his anger and how much was due to the exercise. He didn't seem to be breathing this hard before your slip.

“Don't you dare say sorry. Not to me. You will do exactly as I tell you, and you won't fuck up again, do you understand me?!”

His voice was so loud in your ears you closed your eyes tightly as he screamed at you. It was reflexive. You swallowed back the emotions at being yelled at so harshly and you clenched down hard on your jaw. You opened your eyes when he stopped screaming and you realized you had been bracing for him to hit you.

Your heart was racing and you felt the panic taking over your breathing. You were losing control of your breathing the harder you tried to catch your breath and your heart was racing inside your rib cage like a wild animal clawing at its bars.

You felt the fear consume you and you saw the flash of a fist colliding with your face over and over again as he sat on top of your chest. You couldn't breathe, no matter how hard you tried you couldn't get any oxygen and the nausea was taking over. His hands were tight around your neck and you couldn't scrape his fingers free from your flesh.

You couldn't breathe. The pain in your neck was too much and he squeezed down with a fire inside his eyes that told you he was going to kill you this time. He was going to kill you. You were going to die here on the floor of your living room. He had found you again and he was going to kill you.

_“You'll do exactly as I tell you or I'm going to fucking kill you.”_

You were on the ground and you were trembling and you were shaking with such force that you couldn't control your limbs.

“ _Do exactly as I tell you”_

So you curled yourself in. You tucked your hands and your knees up into your body and you felt the waves of nausea take over you as you vomited over and over again.

“ _I'm going to fucking kill you.”_

Coffee. You vomited coffee and water. You gasped and you coughed, choking on the acrid taste in your mouth. Your lungs burned when the liquid entered and you were suffocating on the burning liquid. You coughed and coughed unable to get it out. The burning was incredible and made your eyes water and you were suffocating.

Someone was touching you.

Someone's hands were on you and you could hear the steady force of their voice. Someone was telling you to do something with a firm tone but you couldn't understand it. The pounding in your ears was too loud. The panic was too loud.

You felt a splash of cold water hit your face and you gasped for air and opened your eyes.

Yixing.

You saw Yixing. He was speaking to you and you felt his hands rubbing up and down your arms and begging you to respond to him.

His hair was matted to his forehead with sweat and his face betrayed his worry.

“There you are” He said with a relieved smile when your eyes finally focused on him. You could still feel the effects of your panic and you couldn't quite get your heart and your breathing to calm down but you looked into his eyes and he was still talking to you in a calm steady voice.

“That's good, that's good, you're doing great honey look at me. It's me, I'm not going to hurt you, you're okay.” His voice was so steady and calm you could feel yourself grasping on to him where he sat on his knees in front of you on the street. Your hands gripped his wet shirt and you pulled him hard.

“It'll pass. It's going to pass, just breath for me. I need you to breath slowly and deeply can you do that for me?” You tried to focus on his brown eyes through the blur of the tears in your eyes. You forced a deep breath. It was hard. It pushed through the burn and ache in your lungs and it made it inside. You exhaled too fast and you saw him slow his own breathing dramatically, urging you to follow him. You tried again with more success. You could feel the oxygen filling your lungs and your head began to uncloud. Images of the darkness around you began to sharpen. The sun still wasn't out. It was so early.

“Good, you're doing so well. Can you answer me? Who am I?” He was so close and his eyes were so focused you had to respond to him.

“Yixing,” you said. Your voice sounded hoarse from the vomiting and coughing.

He smiled and you saw his dimple pop on his cheek. His eyes curved into moons with his genuine smile.

“Good girl,” he said and you felt the breath he exhaled against your face.

“Can you stand up for me?” He asked. You felt him wrapping your arms around his neck and you held on, still clinging too tightly to his warmth. He stood and you stood on shaking legs next to him. You felt his arms wrap tightly around your waist and he was moving with you, helping you to walk. Your legs were weak and your muscles were sore but you moved with him.

“H-How far?” The darkness of the early morning felt cold and sticky against your wet skin. You could smell the stench of your vomit in your hair and on your skin and you wondered how you would make it all the way back to your apartment.

“Not far, we were already nearly back home.” The familiar way he spoke in your ear warmed you some. You wondered if he meant your home or his home. The gym was right by your apartment after all. He probably meant both as they were right next to each other.

“But I thought we went to the river?” You were confused by his initial claim that you would be jogging all the way to the river.

You heard it. His laughter next to your ear and it danced around your mind, mingling with the birds singing in the trees along the road. The sound was so joyous and delightful you wanted to grab ahold of it and save it forever. You were certain that laughter could cheer you up and bring you out of any bad mood you had ever been in.

“I was teasing you. We were just running in big circles around the neighborhood. You really need to pay more attention when you run or you're going to get hurt. And then what would I do? You're my only student.”

You frowned into a little pout, realizing that even when he was in strict teacher mode he was still somehow able to make fun of you. This was a new side of Yixing that you honestly hadn't expected. Everything about him had been so quiet and stoic, the very idea that he was somehow enjoying his time with you was confusing.

You felt better by the time you recognized your apartment building with its drab grey walls and windows with bars on them. Yixing left you at your door but you noticed he lingered. Probably still concerned about your attack from earlier. You had to reassure him that you would be fine in your own home and he made you promise to be on time for the lesson that afternoon.

You honestly were desperate to shower the stench of vomit out of your hair and you hoped he didn't have any on himself. You'd hated that he had to witness you break down like that, but you still felt immensely grateful that he seemed to bring you out of it so quickly. Something in the way he spoke to you made you think he must have some experience with helping someone through the panic. You wondered if there would be a point in your relationship with him when you'd feel comfortable asking him about it. The hope in your chest at the idea of knowing him well enough for such a frank conversation, guided you through your day at work and followed you as you made your way to The Boxing Gym for your lesson.

As you pushed open the door of the big warehouse you were met with the strangely comforting sounds of the inside of the gym. Namely the comforting sounds of heavy breathing, quick steps and fists colliding over and over into big grey punching bag.

Your eyes adjusted quickly and you heard the punching sounds cease nearly instantly as Yixing stilled the bag in front of him and looked into your eyes as you entered the gym.

His expression was blank. It wasn't that you expected a smile or a greeting from him. But the blankness of his face caught you off guard. He had been so sweet to you after your episode during the run that you forgot this side of him. The focused wall of strength and composure that hardly ever said more than 3 words at a time.

That wasn't you though. You smiled at him and waved and you watched him blink slowly at you and lift an eyebrow before he returned to the bag he had been punching before you arrived and he continued his punches.

He was wearing a shirt this time. He must have put it on knowing you would be arriving soon.

“Noona!” Your ears perked up when you heard Baozhi run up to you. You greeted the cheerful kid and you noticed he wasn't pushing the broom as he usually was. He had a backpack on and he carried his helmet under his arm.

“Noona, did you jog with Hyung this morning? He left really early and came back in a weird mood. He hardly trained at all today. He spent most of his day inside his room doing something online. So weird!” Baozhi was chatting your ear off again. You noticed he kept his voice down and he leaned in closer to you as he spoke.

“And then! When he did start training, he seemed….I don't know, more distracted than he usually is. What happened during the run this morning Noona?” Baozhi noticed way too much about the usual goings on of his brother and you didn't really want to get into details with the kid. You shrugged him off. Pretending to have no idea what could possibly be on his older brothers mind.

“Baozhi,” Yixing shouted from across the room and when you looked up you saw the death glare he was shooting across the room at his chatty little brother.

“I know, I know, I'm going Hyung!” Baozhi responded as he rolled his eyes.

“I gotta go. He’s made something up about some errand I have to run that's supposed to take like two hours, but I know he's just kicking me out because of your lesson.” Baozhi grumbled and you giggled, once again impressed by just how aware the kid actually was.

The warehouse door slammed shut and you were met with the sounds of his fist and his breaths.

He was hitting hard and fast and you wondered if you were supposed to clean something before he was ready to pull himself away from that bag and address you.

Your cleaning yesterday had been thorough and honestly there wasn't much else to do around the gym. Without any ideas of the alternative you made your way over to where Yixing fought with his bag.

As you watched him move powerfully and gracefully on his feet you realized that you hadn't yet thanked him for helping you this morning. He wasn't looking at you and he seemed quite focused on his task, but you took the risk anyway.

“Yixing, I wanted to thank you for helping me out this morning...you know, the..” You couldn't quite bring yourself to address exactly what happened to you. You just knew that when the panic hit you, it always hit you hard and fast and on your own you found it hard to come out of it.

“I-I'm not sure how you knew what to do, but you really helped me-”

“I've seen them before, panic attacks. I knew what it was.” You noticed his punches had slowed to a stop and he held his fists up in front of his face as he ducked and spoke to you. He picked up his punches again as if he'd never been interrupted.

“You've seen them?” Your curiosity was piqued. His short answers were always so vague. The idea that he knew someone else who struggled like you did made you feel strangely hopeful. Maybe the person he knew didn't have to struggle with them anymore. Maybe there was some way to fix it.

“Baozhi used to get them. Before….from before when he lived with his birth parents, they were….toxic.” He stopped punching and straightened out his posture. You noticed his hands fell down to his side limply and he seemed to be staring ahead as he remembered something. You saw a darkness inside his deep brown eyes and his brows furrowed as he frowned his lips.

“That doesn't matter anymore. He has me and he's doing much better now. I can't remember the last time he had one, and I think it's even been, maybe a month or more since he's had a nightmare. We've been working on some things that seem to be helping.” Your eyes widened in surprise at his candor. Baozhi wasn't his real brother? He was a troubled kid that Yixing took into his life and his home. You could feel the brotherly love between them, that much was certain, but the realization hit you that the two looked nothing alike. Apart from both being Chinese the resemblance stopped there.

“He's still too soft.” Yixing said with a small sad smile and he looked up into your face. The sadness reached his eyes and you could've sworn you saw moisture there. He wasn't looking at you anymore as his eyes told you he was swimming in his own head now.

“He's too soft for this fucking world.”

Yixing inhaled a deep breath and looked into your eyes with a nod.

“Are you ready to begin?” His hands spun around themselves as he quickly unwrapped the bands he had been wearing around his knuckles and he dropped them into a pile by his feet.

“Yes Sir!” You said a bit too chipper sounding for the torture you were surely about endure and you saw him smile. He bit down on his lip to hide it but you definitely saw it there.

“Come,” he said and you followed him to where he led.

There was a blue rubber mat in the center of the floor and you followed him to stand next to where he stood on the mat.

“Okay so before we get into boxing, I think it would be beneficial for you to learn some self defense techniques first. Some simple moves that anyone can master. We’re going to be learning a few very basic things today.”

You nodded as he spoke, waiting patiently as you absorbed the information he threw at you.

“First I need to warn you that some of these moves will put us very close to each other. The nature of these techniques is to protect you from an attack. Do you understand what I'm saying?”

His voice had softened some as he spoke and he seemed to be leaning in to you as he made his intentions clear.

“Yes, Sir, I understand.” He was talking about an attack of a man on a woman. The kind of attack you were intimately familiar with. You felt a strange humming inside your stomach as he spoke and you noticed he was paying very close attention to your face as you answered him.

He took a step closer to where you stood and you held your ground. You could handle what he threw at you today. You had to. After this morning you couldn't afford to be weak around him again. You had to overcome whatever anxieties you were struggling with.

“I'm going to give you a word. This is your own special word okay? You will say this word and no matter what is happening, no matter what I am doing, I will stop. Okay? You say the word and I'll always stop. Whatever it is.”

His brows were lifted and he held his hand out to you as he spoke clearly and carefully to you.

“Let's practice that part first ok? This word always needs to be in your mind and ready. If you feel uncomfortable with anything you say it.”

“Rosemary,” you spoke up suddenly. You weren't quite sure why you chose it but it seemed unique enough and easy to remember that you could count on the word being at the tip of your tongue if you needed it. You saw him smile and nod.

“Okay good, Rosemary. You say Rosemary at any point in our lessons, or even outside of our lessons and I will stop.”

“Even if you're scolding me?” You asked, feeling a bit lighter now that he'd given you a little speck of power.

“Anything. Whatever I'm doing, you say Rosemary and I'll stop, I promise.” The intensity in his eyes made you believe him completely and you nodded.

“Let's try it ok? I'm going to do something and you make me stop.” You saw him fly at you quickly and you felt his arms around you waist. You were suddenly lifted through the air and the world spun upside down. You yelped out loud and closed your eyes tightly as you felt dizzy from the sudden movement. You felt yourself being thrown over his shoulder as he easily carried you upside down like a sack of potatoes and when you stopped screaming long enough you found that you were laughing. You couldn't help it. You hadn't expected him to do this at all. You felt his fingers now and he was digging them hard into your ribs and the tickling sensation was intense and unexpected.

“Rosemary!” You shouted between fits of giggles and you flipped and landed with a thud back on your feet. The world was right side up again and you gasped and panted as he backed away with his hands outstretched.

“Very good. Do you get it now? This will be physical. I'm going to be touching you. My hands and my body will be on yours and all you have to do to stop it, is say your word.”

You caught your breath and nodded your understanding. He gave you something. Your own little defense against him and you felt incredibly grateful for it.

Yixing wasn't kidding when he said the training would be physical. Many of the moves involved fighting off someone who was grabbing at you or holding you down. There were techniques designed to inflict injury on the attacker. Techniques designed to get yourself out of their grasp so you could run away. Most of them were this type. The kinds of tricks you could use to survive.

It definitely wasn't fighting. This was about protecting yourself first and foremost. And running away.

He assured you that this was the first lesson of many and after he was confident in your ability to avoid trouble he would teach you the skills to attack as well.

You were happy though. You could definitely see why he was doing it this way. Yixing was teaching you the skills you needed to survive anything.

He'd gone through many moves without much discomfort on your part and suddenly he stood up and looked at you with a different look in his eyes. Strangely, and uncharacteristically, he seemed shyer than he had before. It was odd and out of place on his pretty face. He had been full of confidence up until this point and you wondered what was coming.

“For this next one, I will need you on the ground, and I'm going to get on top of you.”

You suddenly understood his shift in confidence. This was a defensive move for a sexual assault. He'd obviously saved this for the end. You had both been working hard for nearly two hours already. The fact that Yixing decided to include it in the lesson despite how awkward it was to talk about, told you how important it was to know, and you agreed with his reasoning.

You nodded and quickly laid down on the ground with your knees parted. He looked down at your spot by his feet and seemed to shift on his heels a bit.

“Actually, why don't I get down on the ground and you will get on top. I'll show you first and then you can try it. You can be the attacker this time.”

Yixing dropped to his knees and laid down on his back beside you and you sat up and rolled over him. On your knees now, you positioned yourself between his parted legs. He was warm and you felt his hands slowly move to grab ahold of your hands. He was posing you as an attacker would hold down their victim.

His body heat radiated through your shorts and your bare thighs felt even more of his warmth. You braced yourself with your hands on his chest and you could feel his steady heartbeat in your palms.

“Put your hands around my neck, you're an attacker and you are choking me,” he said. His voice was too soft. You were too close to him and despite the unsavory words he spoke you couldn't help the flutter in your stomach at the closeness of him.

You had to lean into him to wrap your hands firmly around his neck and you could feel a whole lot of his body as you pressed yourself between his parted legs.

You didn't squeeze very hard. This wasn't real after all. You could feel the pulse in his neck under your fingertips. You swallowed away the weird nervousness you felt and you tried to ignore what you knew you felt between his legs as you pressed into him.

“Okay, watch my arms.” You felt him move quickly and he crisscrosses both of his arms over yours which rested over his neck. He made an M shape with his forearms and brought his elbows down hard and fast. Instantly the grip you held around his neck was broken and he pushed your body back enough to free his legs which he brought up high, between your bodies. He made a motion as if he was kicking you in the face and used the space he had gained to roll away from you.

“Got it?” He asked as he sat in front of you on his knees and you nodded. It seemed relatively straightforward.

“We’ll do it one time slow and then again at real time. It needs to happen fast.”

You assumed the position. On your back with your arms by your side, knees bent and parted with your feet resting on the floor. He moved and crawled over to you. You felt rough hands on your skin as he pulled your legs open so he could nestle in between.

You felt the heat on your face and you couldn't help when you lifted both hands to cover your blush.

“Do you remember your word?” You heard his soft voice ask. You nodded from under your hands.

He was so warm between your legs and his hands were touching the skin of your upper thighs now. You felt his hands trail over your legs as he moved slowly and you kept your hands over your face as you felt very affected by his slow movements. You felt him go still and his hands were still on your thighs when he tapped them lightly. He was asking you to open your legs more. To let him in closer. You felt your own breathing increase to near obvious levels as you parted your legs for him.

The heat pooling between your own legs only made your breathing faster and you hoped to God he only thought you were having difficulties with the ‘attack’ aspect of this. In actuality you were so turned on by this man who was nestling his warm hips between your legs and who was now leaning his body weight over you that you feared you might be the one attacking him if he moved any closer.

Could he feel it? Could he feel your arousal where his hips pressed? You couldn't be sure, but you thought you might feel something happening between his legs too.

You had to look at him. You couldn't do the maneuver with your hands over your face.

You risked a glance through parted fingers.

When your eyes were free of their obstruction you saw him. He was watching you closely and the look in his eyes was different. Something in his eyes looked darker than before, his pupils too large, his breathing fast through his parted lips and his brows furrowed in concentration. You saw him take his bottom lip in between his teeth and bit down and he was looking into your eyes with that intense look.

He was moving closer to you, his body weight coming down further over your stomach and your chest and you saw his eyes look down at your mouth.

His hand moved from your thigh. You felt the absence of the heat from his palm when he removed it and it trailed slowly up your arm over your shoulder. You saw his eyes leave your mouth and he watched his own hand travel. When he reached your neck he stopped his movement and soon his other hand joined. He wasn't squeezing down. His hands just laid over your skin and you saw his brows furrow further as he moved his hips. You felt him press into you, between your legs and you felt a stiffness rub up against you. You gasped and closed your eyes at the overwhelming sensation.

“Stop me,” his voice whispered out. It sounded thick and nearly pleading and your eyes snapped open. Did he mean the choking or the other thing. The undeniable attraction you were feeling now. Did he want to push into you again? Did he want to feel your legs wrapping around his waist as you pulled him into you? Was that what you needed to stop?

With every ounce of self control you had in you, you lifted your arms and crossed them over his arms at your neck. You inhaled a breath and you saw him close his eyes with a slow exhale from his chest, as you brought your elbows down. You broke the hold he had. You pushed him back and you kicked at his chest, sending him falling back onto his ankles as you rolled far away from him on the blue mat in the middle of the warehouse.

Yixing sat on his ankles on the mat with his eyes closed and you sat on your butt far away from him. Your heart was racing and your breathing was much too fast for the little amount of effort that took. You closed your eyes for a moment as you willed your own body to calm down. You needed the effects of him to fade quickly if you were to continue this. He was quiet and still.

“I think that's enough for today, I'll see you tomorrow morning for our run.” he spoke up after a long silent moment. You opened your eyes at the sound of his quick movement. You saw his back. He was leaving the gym area as he disappeared around a corner, that you knew led to his bedroom. With a wave of his hand up in the air, he dismissed you from your first lesson.


	3. Chapter 3

  
Your morning run with Yixing was a regular thing. After a week of doing it every single morning you found your body waking up early on its own. After that you never even considered skipping it. You felt more energized and you even kept your pace better. You weren't sure how long he usually ran on his own, or what his own pace was like, but when you started running with him, he merely fell silently in step next to you and never once complained that you went too slow for him. He just ran. And you just ran. It was nice and it was comfortable and you found yourself actually looking forward to those quiet knocks on your door at 5:30am. Sometimes it was rainy, sometimes it was chilly. But it was always quiet. It was always dark. And it was always with him.

Honestly, in its own weird way, it felt like dating. Well, the beginnings of dating really. You were getting to know each other. Of course he never talked while running and sometimes when he'd show up at your door he didn't even say a single word to you until you'd turn to wave goodbye back at your apartment after it was done. He'd usually just say “see you at training” and he'd disappear as you closed your door on his pretty, yet frustratingly blank face. Despite that, the intimacy of your early morning runs with him were making you feel more and more attached to him. You looked forward to your time with him so much that the idea of going without it made your heart ache. You knew the direction your feelings were taking was dangerous. Yixing was your teacher. He was nothing more.

He had been so careful and cautious around you that you wondered if you were the only one who felt it. You wondered if you imagined the way his hand graced the small of your back every now and then. Did you imagine the way his eyes would trail down your body as you worked. Did you imagine his eyes on your lips when you would smile at him.

You would smile. Your affections for him plain and obvious on your face. His eyes would tick down to your lips, almost involuntarily and then he would look away. Stilling his features. Steeling his emotions. Putting up his walls. Your heart would ache at how badly you wanted to touch him. You would push it away. Drown it in the run. Hide it under the thumping of your feet on the pavement. And then you would inhale the smell of his sweaty skin as he breathed and moved next to you and you would be thrust back into it. The desire coursing up inside you angrily, begging for attention. Begging for you to address it.

It had to be only you. He didn't feel the same.

If he did, he was a master of hiding it.

Trainings were different. Where the morning runs were calm, quiet, and intimate, trainings were loud and intense. But you found your stamina and strength was slowly increasing with each day. You'd push aside the soreness in your muscles from the previous day and you'd give it your all every time.

The self defense moves had graduated into real attacks. He showed you how to hit back. How to throw punches. He showed you where to hit to inflict the most pain on your attacker. The nose. The eye. The throat. The groin. No matter how big or strong your opponent was, you could always hurt them here. He showed you over and over how to use your opponent's force against them. How to throw off their balance so you could take the upper hand. The lessons would be peppered throughout the training as he mixed boxing techniques with self defense moves until the motions came so naturally to you, you could usually get out of whatever hold he tried to keep you in.

You weren't expecting it the first time it happened. You were outside sweeping the sidewalk in the back of the gym that led to the bathroom. It had rained and caked the walkway with mud and Yixing had been busy with something in his room before your lesson that afternoon. You noticed when you arrived that you hadn't seen Baozhi as you usually did before your lessons. He was usually on his way out, smiling and waving brightly as he took his helmet and his excited chit chat with him. He would usually give you a heads up about what kinds of _self defense for women_ videos Yixing had been watching on YouTube the night before and you would giggle at your teacher’s diligence. He was first a foremost a boxer, but he wanted you to have a heads up on all sorts of attacks possible. Even if that meant late nights online. You found his extra efforts adorable.

You were concentrating on using the stiff bristles of the broom to unstick the caked on mud from the walkway when the broom suddenly flew from your grip and hit the wall of the bathroom wall with a clank. Your eyes widened in surprise and your mouth flew open only to be covered quickly by a strong calloused hand. You felt the warmth of strong arms wrapped tightly around your waist and the hand around your mouth gripped you hard, covering your nose so you couldn't breathe, pulling your head back into the stiff body that stood behind you. You felt heat and firmness and you could hear the steady rhythmic breathing of the man who gripped you hard.

The surprise of the attack caught you off guard and you felt it happen. Hesitation. You felt the pause in your counter attack and you flew backwards as you were dragged roughly off the sidewalk into the bathroom door behind you. You'd lost those precious few seconds to act and you were now on the move. The lights were out and the small window didn't let enough light inside to make out the features of your attacker. He smelled so familiar, but your mind was fighting to breath through his hand and the adrenaline.Your fingers pulled around his arm at your face. Trying to pull him off. He was too strong. Muscles in his forearm flexed and didn't give a centimeter.

Inside the bathroom your legs kicked at the wet tile, unable to get any grip, your feet frantically slipped around and you could feel the panic bubbling up inside you. You couldn't get the upper hand. He was too strong and your balance was already off. You felt dizzy, the hand was too tight over your mouth and nose and you couldn't breathe.

Your training. You had to remember your training. Your mind whirled and churned as you tried to fight back against your own fear as well as his strong hands.

You felt the wetness at your back as you were thrown to the floor and you felt a stiff body on top of you. His hands had to be off of you when you were thrown and you gasped a deep breath, desperate for the oxygen you had been deprived of. When you felt his hands gripping your arms tightly you bucked up under him. He tried to grab your wrists and you twisted and turned underneath his heavy weight. You felt strong thighs straddling you, keeping you down as he fought with your arms that just evaded his grip. The more you moved and evaded his grasp the more tired you felt your body growing. You had to hit. You needed to fight back. You couldn't keep this up for long.

You struck out hard in the darkness, trying to find a weak point and you were rewarded with a grunt of pain when you used your flattened hand to thrust hard into his throat. He recalled a minuscule amount but it was enough for you to lift your hips and turn. You bent at the waist and snaked your hips around, bucking hard against him, and you could feel his balance give. You bent your knee up and you felt it collide with his abdomen.

You struck again, with your hand into a tight fist as he had taught you, finding something that felt like his ear and you struck harder than you had ever hit anyone before. Harder than you hit in the practices and harder than you imagined in your dreams when you fought with your nightmares.

You heard a pained cry out and you felt his weight fall back off of you. You lifted your feet and you kicked hard, sending every ounce of energy and force into your feet that hit him squarely in the chest and you felt his exhale. You heard the gasping breaths and coughing as you rolled away and found your own footing. You scrambled for your escape. You found the doorframe of the bathroom and you moved through it as quickly as you could. You didn't look back as you ran.

You pulled the door to the gym open and ran into the sanctity and familiarity of the open space. Once inside you felt your legs give as the stress of the attack took over your body.

There was a click sound. There was someone else standing next to you and you looked up in surprise to find Baozhi holding a stopwatch with a frown on his face. He was shaking his head as he looked down at you and you tried to catch your breath and calm your racing heartbeat.

“It's good that you got away but it took too long. He's not going to be happy with that.” Baozhi said as he shook his head and handed you a bottle of water to drink.

Yixing.

It was Yixing.

This was a lesson and you hadn't done as well as you should have.

You hesitated in the beginning of the attack. Yixing had told you over and over again that the first seconds were crucial in gaining the upper hand. You replayed the attack over again in your mind and you saw your many mistakes. When he first grabbed you, when you first felt his hand over your mouth that was when you should have moved. You should have struck fast and hard with your thumb over your shoulder where you knew his face would be. You should've aimed for his eyes, or nose. Somewhere sensitive. You should have turned your shoulders into his chest, using his own force against him instead of uselessly trying to pry his hands off. If you had shifted instead, turning around so the sudden action broke the hold of his hand over your mouth, you could've hit him before he dragged you.

You should have never even reached the point where he was able to drag you into that dark bathroom. You felt the immense disappointment. You felt the shame in your mistake and you knew he would be upset at you for your slip. How many times had you both gone over those moves, only to have it all fall apart and crumble when it really counted.

Your head lifted when you heard the back door open quickly and Yixing bounded inside. You saw red splotches on his neck where you had hit him. His ear where you had delivered the painful blow that made him retreat enough for your escape was bright red and looked like it would hurt for a while.

You saw the hard look in his eyes and you instantly rose to your feet with your head bowed. You knew he would be disappointed. You knew he would berate you for the hesitation that nearly cost you. You braced for it and you flinched hard when you felt his warm hand land roughly over your shoulder.

When you lifted your head you saw his brown eyes watching you and he bit down on his lip as his eyes searched your face. Was he checking your mood? Was he looking for signs of panic in your face?

“You,” he began, before he cleared his throat, coughing away the roughness you heard in his voice from when you punched him in the throat in the bathroom.

“You hesitated. Why did you hesitate?” He was still breathing hard but you could see his face change when he saw no signs of panic on your face. You saw the teacher coming out and you knew you would be judged harshly for your mistake.

You deserved it. You had fucked up. He knew it and you knew it.

“I...didn't expect it. I hesitated because I was surprised. I made a mistake.” You dropped your eyes and your face. As you bit down hard on your lip to keep yourself from apologizing for your mistake.

“That's no excuse. You're never going to expect it. Try again. Why did you hesitate?”

Your mind raced. Why did you hesitate? You knew better didn't you? What was the real reason?

“I didn't think there was any danger here in the gym. I feel safe here, with you and Baozhi...I let my guard down.” That had to be it. Deep down you didn't genuinely feel like you were in any real danger in the gym. This was your safe place.

“Maybe, deep down, I thought it might be you and I didn't want to hurt you.” Your mouth was flying now, trying to figure out the real reason why you didn't defend yourself like you should have and you glanced up at him at your last confession. His eyes were wide and his brows lifted. You saw him drop his eyebrows and he furrowed them. There was a deep inhale and you felt the warm air from his lungs fly over your skin. You remembered his smell. The clean soapy scent that you definitely smelled during the attack.

“Baozhi, you can go now.” Yixing was still looking at you as he spoke to his brother and you heard the younger kid exhale a frustrated sigh in protest.

“Ahh, Hyung I'm running out of places to go.” Baozhi complained and you glanced at the kid as he stomped his feet and pouted. Yixing shot him a glare and Baozhi quickly turned on his heels and retreated like a scolded puppy.

The door slammed shut and the sounds of his motorcycle driving away brought you back to the problem in front of you. Your teacher, Yixing was watching your face closely as his mind churned and worked. You could tell he was thinking by the way his jaw clenched and he chewed on the inside of his lip.

“So you knew it was me and you're afraid of hurting me?” He said finally and you quickly nodded your head in agreement.

“I could smell you.” You said quietly and the admission made your face heat up. As if you were confessing to something secretive with the embarrassing words.

“Smell me? I….what do I smell like?” His voice was quiet now. Different. This was curious Yixing. Not the hardass teacher you had become so used to, but the curious sweet man who sometimes smiled at you when you did well, and asked you questions about yourself and your day. This Yixing was rare. This Yixing made your stomach flip and you wanted to pounce on him when he showed up. This was the most dangerous Yixing of all of them.

“Clean. Like soap...and m-manly.” You could feel the wince on your face when you said it and you saw him open his mouth and quickly snap his lips shut instantly as he angled his face away from you. You could've sworn you saw a pinkness in his cheeks that wasn't there before.

You heard him clear his throat and he shook his head. As if clearing your words away with the shake. His posture straightened and he stood directly in front of you now. Then he moved his hands behind his back, holding himself directly in front of where you stood.

“Let's get over this now.” He said in a serious voice and you felt a rush in your blood stream. What did he mean? Get over what? Did he know how attracted you were to him? Did he know how good he smelled? Did he know how sexy his ass looked in his fitted sweats when he ran in the mornings? Did he knows how badly you wanted to grab him and kiss him and…

“Hit me as hard as you can,” he closed his eyes and he stood still. Bracing while trying not to obviously brace for it.

You were frozen. Hit him? Not kiss him, but hit him?

“What?” You said, clearly stalling for time now. How could you just hit him? You didn't want to hit him. You wanted to do other things to him. He opened his eyes at your question and looked at you again.

“Go on. This is the only chance I'm giving you. Hit me. Whatever you've got to throw at me, I can take it all. You won't hurt me.” He closed his eyes again and stood straighter, holding his hands behind his back.

You briefly contemplated kissing him on the cheek and running away like a little school girl but thankfully you remembered your mind and you made a fist that you pulled back. With a step back to gather your strength, you channeled all the scoldings you'd had to endure from this man. He saw the fist and closed his eyes again.

You channeled all the early morning exercise and all the cleanings and you channeled that stupid fucking wrench that you know didn't even do anything he said it could do. You knew that the wheels on Baozhi's bike came off with a much smaller, regular sized wrench and that he used that stupid thing as a scare tactic to get the kid to fall in line. You channeled the frustration and the anger you felt every time he called you out on your failings or your laziness and you stepped back and hit him hard. You hit him like he taught you.

You felt your fist collide with his stomach and you felt his abs give and he bent into himself. You knew you had to hit him with everything you had. You knew if you didn't you would hear from him, so you hit him like you had wanted to hit every one of your life's problems. The exhale and grunt that came from his mouth was your sweet satisfying reward. And you knew even though he could take it, part of you hoped he would at least be a little sore later.

You saw his hand move to cover his stomach where you hit him and his face winced a bit as he breathed in a deep inhale and quickly corrected his posture. He straightened out his face and you saw the blank wall of teacher Yixing show up.

“Do you still think you might hurt me?” He said and you saw a smirk pop up on his lips. You could only shake your head in response. He had made his point. He could take it. You didn't need to hold back with him.

The surprise attacks continued and soon you were so on guard around the gym that he couldn't even tap you on the shoulder without you springing into attack mode. It made for awkward times in the kitchen when Baozhi tried to get your attention and you nearly ripped his arm off. You were all apologies and Baozhi cradled his injured hand as if you had been trying to hurt him on purpose. You tried to ignore Yixing's giggling behind the boy who stormed off to his room in a huff. You'd make it up to him later. He did learn to announce his presence around you loudly with throat clearing, loud stomping and speaking his intentions loudly when you weren't looking at him. He never snuck up on you again.

After a solid month of lessons Yixing had to take a week off. He had a match coming up he said and was training hard. Baozhi was excited and ever present fixture as Yixing trained harder than you'd seen him train before and you kept up with your lessons on the side. Practicing everything he had taught you on your own. You were diligent and punctual even though his focus wasn't on you, you didn't use that as an excuse to slack off. You had been serious about this after all.

You took your morning runs alone. Missing his company terribly and you satisfied your urge to see him in the afternoon when you'd catch him sparring with partners you had never seen before. The other men were good, but you rooted for Yixing. You watched his speed and skill closely and were always his loudest cheerleader when he won the matches.

One night he was training alone while Baozhi threw punches into air next to him, perfecting his stance. The two were engrossed in their own world and as the evening wore on and it became evident that they weren't going to stop training for dinner, so you took matters into your own hands and went out to get some food, thinking they would both be grateful for the break and for the warm meal. It was very late but you were hungry so you didn't see the harm in it.

There was a place close by that sold meat skewers. Beef, chicken, and lamb were the best ones. The protein would be well received and you smiled at the image of Baozhi's appreciative smile as he dug in.

With your hands full with the bags of food you made your way back toward the gym when a sound behind you brought you out of your mind. You were walking in a dim alley. You had to use this route to get back from the restaurant. Using the main street would take too long and the meat might get cold. You paused and looked behind you. The sun had set long ago and the alley way was eerily silent and sparsely lit. You saw nothing. There was no movement and no source of the sound you heard.

When you turned back to continue your way you heard another sound. The unmistakable sound of footsteps rushing behind you and you turned too late. Strong arms wrapped around you, pushing you back hard against the wall of the adjacent building that lined the alley way. You felt the wind knocked out of you and you gasped out, trying to ignore the urge to double up and try and breathe. You knew you had a few precious seconds before this would end badly for you. Your mind flashed to Yixing practicing and training hard right before you left. This couldn't be him. It couldn't be. Something about the attack felt different. Something about the roughness made your stomach churn and you felt the hooded man's hands on you. Groping and grasping at your body. The man had his weight up against you and you felt his hot breath on your neck and you breathed in the stench of alcohol. It was so strong you wanted to vomit. You needed space. You needed space to fight back.

You pushed your knee hard up into his groin and you heard a surprised grunt as he backed away a tiny bit. He'd angled his hips quickly to avoid the hit and you wondered how someone so drunk could have dodged that so easily. The wall was at your back and the man was moving back on you quickly as rounded his fist to hit you. You saw a big hand coming down hard on you and you ducked to avoid his fist. You heard him grunt in surprise when his fist hit the wall behind him.

“Do you think you can get away from me so easily, you stupid bitch?” He growled out in a low menacing voice. He had a slight accent you couldn't place.

Your mind was urging you to fight and you saw your chance when he backed away to threaten you. You lifted your fist up quickly contacting with his nose and you hit him hard. You felt his flesh give and you heard the sickening crack under your fist. The jolt of pain in your hand blinded you for a second but you didn't give yourself the opportunity to feel it. He was reeling back with both of his hands over his face and you were moving to the side, out of his reach. You ran. You left your bags where they fell and you ran and there was a shouting behind you. A familiar voice was calling but you didn't listen. The gym was in your sights. You saw the familiar door and you pulled it open quickly searching through the empty space for him. Yixing would help. If the drunk man was chasing you, Yixing could scare him away and you would be safe again. Your heart was raging, your breathing was panicked and the gym was empty.

You looked around the space, running into the kitchen and the back where the rooms were and it was deserted. You pounded on the closed door of Baozhi's room, seeing a light inside and the door opened quickly. His face was surprised, his eyes went wide when he saw your panicked state and you gripped him hard. His hands went to your shoulders and you could hear him hushing your panicked cries.

“H-Hyung left for a while. He's gone. I'll try his phone.” He said quickly as his hands gripped around his phone. You heard the gym door open and close and you bolted from the door of Baozhi's room as he followed closely behind you.

You took in the man who stood at the door of the gym. It was Yixing. He was breathing hard and the look in his eyes was heightened and on high alert. The eyes didn't catch your eyes as much as the blood that covered his shirt. Two long streaks of red that dripped down from his face. The source was the bloody nose he sported. His hands, which he had obviously tried to use to stop the blood as well were red and you rushed to his side, your mind a whirl of realization at the sight of him before you.

The panic and fear you had felt in the alley transformed into a new kind of anger and rage that he would dare to do this to you again. That he would make you think you were in very real serious danger with yet another one of his stupid tests.

You rushed on him. Your anger blinded you to any sort of respect you should have for your teacher. You wanted to hurt him. You wanted him to feel just how angry you were right now. Your hands outstretched and you hit him hard on his chest, trying over and over to injure him in some way that would match the terror he had just put you through. He dodged the hits and caught your hands and you couldn't hear his words through your anger. He wasn't holding your hands very hard and you pried them free to hit him again and again. He seemed to be letting you.

“You asshole! You jerk! I thought that was real!” You shouted with each strike of your fists against his chest.

“Dammit Hyung! I told you not to do it anymore! I think she might have broken your nose this time!” Baozhi was flitting around you both and your eyes turned up to look at the bloody mess on his face.

Baozhi was right, his nose was still bleeding and you could see the beginnings of a nasty looking purple bruise on the sides and bridge of his nose.

You'd stopped hitting him long enough to get a good look at him and you leaned in, tossing your head back in offense at the smell. He smelled like he'd poured a bottle of cheap beer all over his shirt and let it sit for a while. Probably for as long as it took you to make your way to the restaurant and back into that alley.  
  
What stood out, the longer you looked at him, was the wide smile on his face. He was a wreck. His nose was probably broken, he was covered in blood and he reeked of cheap stale beer and he had the nerve to be fucking smiling right now?

“Why are you smiling? I'm so mad at you!” You demanded and you heard him laugh harder. He held his hand over his belly as if your anger at him was the funniest joke he'd heard all night.

“You did it,” he said through his laughter you realized his laughter was happiness. He was proud of you. You'd come through when you needed to. You didn't know it was him and you fought back and got away. You injured your attacker in a significant enough way to stop his attack and you'd survived. He was right. You did it. The realization hit you. You weren't panicking. You weren't crying or running terrified right now. You had done it.

“Hyung, I don't even know what to do with you anymore.” Baozhi complained with a look of disgust on his face. “There's no use talking to him when he's like this. He's going to get himself seriously hurt one of these days and it'll be his own damn fault.” Yixing laughed and said something in response to his brother in Chinese. You could hear the laughter between his words and you were irked that you couldn't understand what he was saying now.

Baozhi responded in a tone that sounded sassy and fed up and he stormed back to his bedroom. The slamming of the door signaled that their conversation was done. Baozhi would have no more of his brothers antics tonight.

Yixing's laughter died down, bringing a light happy mood you hadn't seen in him in the entirety of your training with him. You followed him curiously as he moved to the bathroom to wash up. The bleeding in his nose had stopped and you averted your eyes when he peeled off the filthy shirt. You only caught a glimpse of his chiseled abs and pecks before you made yourself turn around. When he came out of the room wearing a fresh shirt, having cleaned the blood off his face you pulled him into the kitchen.

“You need ice for the swelling,” you said as you gripped his arm tightly. He moved as if his legs protested your fussing. You were sure in his profession he'd had his share of injuries like this but knowing you had been the one to do it made you feel guilty. You needed to do something, even if he did ask for it.

You pushed him hard on his shoulders to sit on a stool in the kitchen and he complied, if only to get you to stop fussing sooner. His freezer was bare. There was no ice, no frozen veggies, not even a tub of ice cream, but in his fridge you found a six pack of cheap beer with one can missing... of course.

It would have to do.

You stood in front of where he sat and waited for you on the stool. His knees were parted and you had to stand between them to reach his face. His eyes watched as you lifted the can and he hardly flinched when you held it up to his skin. Trying to angle the can so it touched the curve of his nose. He was quiet as you held the can against his flesh and you found yourself looking into his eyes a little too deeply. Why was he so quiet? Why was he staring at you like this? You wanted to somehow break the tension but you couldn't think of anything to say as the silence wore on. He didn't seem to be searching for anywhere else to look but at your face.

The odd giddy mood he had been in since you'd bested him in the dark alleyway seemed to be fading and his smile and giggles were long gone. Replaced with a different kind of mood. One that was making your face heat up and your heart thump noisily inside your chest. He was still staring at you when you finally moved the can down away from his nose and you lifted your hand up to touch his skin, making sure the cold had transferred well into his injury.

Yixing closed his eyes when your fingers lightly touched his face. You tested his cheek first before you dared touch the painful looking bruise that was forming on the bridge of his nose. Your fingers trailed and danced their way lightly over his skin, feeling the coldness that still lingered in his skin. You were so close that you could feel his breath puffing out through his parted lips. You could smell so much more of his scent than before that you briefly closed your eyes as you willed yourself to calm down.

He was so close and so tempting.

You needed something. You needed anything. The sound of the beer can opening made him open his eyes back up and he looked at you as you stood between his parted legs, sipping on the beer you had just used on his face. You offered a nervous smile. Perhaps the alcohol would calm you down some.

“Want one?” You offered. They were in his fridge, so they were actually his after all. You saw him blink slowly at you and you saw the tiny shake of his head as he blinked his response. After a moment he bit down on his lip and inhaled a breath. You must have imagined the tremble you heard in that breath, but it was echoing inside your head, replaying over and over as you took another sip of the beer.

“I have a match tomorrow.” He whispered and you felt the flimsiness of his excuse. You couldn't help your scoff at his expense. His eyebrow ticked upward at the sound and he spoke again, softer this time. You barely even heard it.

“I might make a mistake.” Was what you thought you heard him say and that made you chuckle a genuine laugh. As if he would actually make a mistake in the ring just because of one beer.

“Please, I've seen you training, you're better than all of the others you've sparred with. You won't make a mistake because of one little beer,” you said.

You froze as his hand landed over your own holding on to the beer. The can trembled with your nerves under his touch. You felt your hand moving. He was lowering your hand that held the can and you felt his other hand remove the can from your grip. You'd only had a few sips and he was moving so slowly you weren't even sure what he was doing. Was he taking it from you? Did he think you couldn't drink just because he couldn't drink? What kind of mistake was he…

Your thoughts were interrupted by the quiet sound of the can being set on the counter beside you. His brown eyes were back on yours and the can was gone.Your empty hands longed for something to hold on to. You couldn't help your gasp when you felt his warms hands on your waist and he was pulling you in closer to himself. Closer in between his parted legs and you stood with your wide eyes, too stunned to move. The movement startled you and you braced your hands on his chest in front of you, needing something for support suddenly, you found only him. He was there, he was close and he was warm.

The thumping in your ears was near deafening now and you wondered how much more of his touch you could stand before you burst into flames here in his kitchen between his parted knees.

“That's not the kind of mistake I'm afraid of,” he said and his hands were still on your waist.

His eyes were on your face, darting around without any real destination in mind and you held your breath. The hope in your heart was too much to bear. You couldn't stand the possibility that he was somehow messing with you right now, or teasing you, or testing you and you felt the shuddering tremble inside, threatening to take every ounce of sanity you had left and toss it out the window.

Your eyes closed on their own. You were too overwhelmed to look at his face anymore. He was too beautiful and you thought you caught his gaze falling down on your lips. You couldn't stand watching him. You couldn't do this anymore.

“What kind of mistake Yixing?” You breathed out, wishing for the answer to come quickly and put you out of your misery. He was so close now you could feel the heat from his face against your own. You felt him there even with your eyes closed.

“This kind of mistake,” you felt his words puff against your lips a second before you felt the softness of his lips press against yours. The breath you had been holding caught in your throat and the tiny whimper left your throat with the contact.

His lips were soft. Softer than you'd imagined in your daydreams and when you felt his hands tighten around your waist, pulling you even closer to him your hands on his chest flexed and tightened. You gripped the fabric of his shirt and felt the same need for closeness.

His lips were moving and yours moved in time with his, mirroring the motion as they parted. You felt the softness of his tongue against your lip before he opened his mouth and inhaled a breath over your mouth. His face angled into yours and his hands moved up your back as his fingers threaded in your hair.

How could he taste so good? Your own need for him grew and when you tilted into him you heard the grunt of pain when your nose bumped his nose. It was a tiny sound but you flinched and backed away from him, suddenly sorry for causing him pain again. When you pulled away from him his eyes were closed. His lips pink and parted and you could heard his hard breathing flying through his mouth. He was still close enough that you felt that warm breath against your lips.

His eyes opened slowly. Those brown eyes found yours as if they were destined to always look too deeply into your own. You could get lost in him. You wanted to drown in his depths.

The haze of the kiss was heady and strong and his hands were still gripping to you tightly, one around your waist, one on the back of your neck, having sagged out of your hair when you pulled back. His thighs were warm on the outside of your hips that nestled between his legs and as you watched his face you felt far from satisfied. Having just a taste of him only left you wanting more.

Yixing smiled as he watched you and you felt him leaning in to you again. You longed for the feel of his lips once more.

He froze when a loud scream resonated throughout the gym, echoing around the walls and sending a wave of fear coursing through your chest. The sound was haunting and it sent a chill down your spine. The person screamed as if they were being slaughtered and your fear echoed the look you saw in Yixing's eyes.  
  
His eyes widened and his head turned in the direction of the sound. You felt him moving and you instinctively backed up away from him, clearing his path.

“Shit! Baozhi,” he said and you could hear the worry in his voice.

He bolted from the kitchen and you saw his back as he disappeared around the corner toward the bedrooms in the back, leaving you thunderstruck and stunned in his kitchen.

* * *

A/N: .....but what about the meat? I-Is the meat okay? Did he bring it with him? 


	4. Chapter 4

You watched Yixing's retreating back for a second before your legs were carrying you and you followed around the corner he disappeared beyond. You saw that the door to Baozhi's room was open and the light inside was bright and you could hear pained strangled cries coming from inside the room. Cries that set your mind on edge and made your skin crawl. You could hear a voice the closer you came to the room with the open door. It sounded like a higher, younger version of Baozhi.  
  
“No...please Mama, no it hurts.” His voice choked in his throat and another scream sounded out cut off by another voice. A lower voice that shushed and flitted around full of worry.

“Baozhi, Baozhi my sweet boy, it's me. Please, please, please open your eyes.” Yixing's begging voice sounded so soft and so full of affection. But you heard the fear in that voice too. A genuine fear that made you stop your steps briefly.

Was Baozhi hurt? Did something happen to him that made Yixing sound so terrified? You hated the sound of the fear in his voice and you could feel your heart thumping furiously inside your chest, taking your fear and tossing it about inside your chest as it teased at your courage. You took a deep breath and took another step. Needing to get closer to the room with the open door where the anguished cries still sounded out.

As you made your way closer you could hear Yixing's steady voice speaking over the frantic cries that echoed through the room like a terror.

“Open your eyes, please come out of there for me Baozhi. Come back to me please. Get out of that terrible place, huh? Can you hear me? You are safe. Just open your eyes.” Yixing begged and you pushed on the door, watching as the light from inside the room spread through the hallway you occupied.

Something changed in Yixing's voice. You heard it. The change made his voice confident with an authority that you knew well. The same way he took charge of the situation when he taught you and needed you to really listen to him. He was done begging and you heard the older brother taking over.

“Baozhi, Baozhi it's me, it's Hyung. It's Yixing Hyung. You're okay. You're safe now, it's just a dream, wake up kid, wake up. You're okay, nobody can hurt you anymore.” You came further through the doorway and you could see the struggling limbs of the younger kid as Yixing cradled him on the bed. He was screaming and fighting with something and you could see the pained effort on Yixing's face as he held him still.

You looked around the room in confusion, finding only the usual fares of a young kid, but no other signs of trouble. Nothing to give any indication of what could have caused such a scene before you. You looked back at the bed and saw that Baozhi's eyes were closed tight. His face, obviously marred by a grimace of pain and fear, was streaked with tears. The tears fell still as they struggled on the bed and you could see a streak of blood trailing from the corner of his mouth. This was clearly some sort of a nightmare. This felt somehow worse than a nightmare. This felt like a terror that wanted to consume the poor kid entirely.

Yixing had mentioned Baozhi's nightmares in passing conversation when you asked him about the panic attacks. When you asked him how he knew what to do. You could see now the evidence of the first hand experience he had with such episodes. You'd had some bad nightmares since your repeated run ins with your tormentor, even waking up sore and bruised some nights where you fought with your own demons. Baozhi had his own demons from his past that Yixing was desperately trying to pull him away from. How badly had Baozhi been hurt in his life to warrant this? Probably just as badly as you had been hurt.

The closer you looked at the struggling figure on the bed, the more you saw the signs. There were streaks of blood along Baozhi's arms. The tips of his fingernails bright red. They flexed and grasped as he clawed around, trying to break free to get at his own skin. You saw the white muscle shirt that he wore was drenched with sweat and splattered with dots of blood. The smooth skin of his upper arms, unmarked with fresh blood, had scars. Too numerous to count. Too varied in stages of healing to age.

Yixing held on as tightly as he could. You saw his muscles straining hard against him as he fought to keep Baozhi from hurting himself any further in his fit. Yixing had one arm wrapped around his head, rubbing along his temple and his hair as he angled his cheek over Baozhi's head, speaking into his ear. His other arm was around Baozhi's waist, holding his flailing arms down. His legs wrapped around his waist, keeping the boy from throwing off his balance and breaking free.

You watched with your hand over your own mouth, too horrified by the sight to move.  
You waited at the door, not wanting to interrupt but not wanting to leave in case there was something you could do. You watched the pair, Yixing whispering into Baozhi's ear as his screaming settled and eventually the struggling against his older brothers powerful arms turned into frantic grasping and the choked sobbing as the nightmare faded and Baozhi began a new desperate weeping into Yixing's arms.

Yixing didn't loosen his grip when Baozhi woke up, but he seemed to shift and hold him tighter as the younger kid cried into his neck. You could see the emotion on Yixing's face as Baozhi began speaking through his tears.

“Hyung?” Baozhi was breathing harder through the tears and you felt your own eyes stinging with emotion as you watched his pain manifest again and again on his face.

“Yeah it's me Hyung, you're okay my boy. You're safe.” Yixing whispered over his head.

“S-She was d-doing it again. They both were. Both of them. But s-she was hurting me a-again and again. And she let him too. Hyung I was so scared, I thought I was b-back there.”

“Shhh..you're never going back there. You're with me now, you've got me now do you hear me? I'm never letting you go back there. That wasn't real, it was just a bad dream.” With the struggle of limbs free Yixing relaxed his grip and dropped his legs down from where he held Baozhi down with his body.

“Why didn't she want me? Why didn't she love me?” He was crying harder now and you could feel your own heart in your throat at his words. The pain he had been caused by the woman who was supposed to love and protect him. More than just the physical pain his mother seemed to have caused him, what he was hung up on was that she didn't want him. You could feel that desire in his words. The desire to be loved and wanted, even now, by this woman who had tortured him so.

“That doesn't matter anymore, you hear me? I want you. It doesn't matter what she thinks, she doesn't matter Baozhi. You're mine. I'm your family now. She's not your family. I love you and I want you.” Yixing's voice was thick and he rubbed strong arms over Baozhi's back and rocked slowly as he held him.

“Are you sure? You...you… What if you get sick of me? What if I'm in the way?” You understood Baozhi's words even though they were mumbled from somewhere within Yixing's arms.

“What are you talking about? I'm not going to get sick of you. Why would you think such a thing? You know you're all the family I have. Why would I abandon my own family? That's ridiculous.” Yixing pulled away some from Baozhi so he could look down into the boys face as he spoke.

Baozhi's eyes glanced up and you saw him notice you in the doorway. You caught the surprised expression and Yixing looked up to follow Baozhi's eyes, meeting yours for a moment. You watched as his eyes changed upon meeting yours. His face flashed with realization. Lips parted and he grimaced, frowning into your worried face. It was regret. Regret that you had to witness this painful moment of his younger brother who he loved so dearly. He looked back down at Baozhi who was still looking at you and you saw the pain. So raw and honest on his face you could practically feel it yourself as he stared at you.

You couldn't move with Baozhi's eyes on you and you saw him inhale a shaking breath that filled his lungs fully. Yixing's arms that held him tightly rose with the breath and you watched the boxer’s eyes close as he dropped his face. Tears that still laid across Yixing's cheeks went untouched.

Baozhi whispered something to his brother in Chinese and you suddenly dropped your gaze from the boy's eyes that hadn't yet left yours. You'd realized that the entire exchange between the two hadn't been in Chinese this whole time. But now that they were aware of your presence, the boy had switched. Was it to hide from you? Was this to protect himself from the newcomer who he didn't entirely know and trust? You hadn't to admit, although you were surprised by this realization, you couldn't exactly blame him. For someone who had been so hurt in the past, trust had to be the one thing he kept sacred. You wondered how hard Yixing had to work to earn it from him and you hoped that one day you could be in that small circle too.

“She's okay Baozhi. You don't have to worry about what she might think. She is someone you can trust too.” Yixing's response wasn't in Chinese and something inside your chest swelled. Yixing had trusted you enough to keep you from being excluded from this. Even though, based on his earlier expression, he was momentarily surprised to find you watching. He must have forgotten you were even at the gym that night with all the stress from Baozhi's dream. Yet now, he had chosen to include you. To trust you.

Baozhi closed his eyes and breathed in deep again, going silent for a while. You nervously chewed on your bottom lip as you waited.

As the silence in the room wore on you wondered if anyone would speak or move or if you would end up standing in this doorway for the rest of the night. Finally, after what felt like ages of tense waiting Baozhi's voice broke through.

“Noona, can you get me some water from the kitchen?”

It took you a moment to respond as your mind had grown comfortable in the silence, but you quickly came to life, and nodded your head as you turned to head back to the kitchen.

You grabbed a cup and filled it with cold water from the bottle inside the fridge and quietly made your way down the hallway.

You could hear discussion in the room as you walked and you realized that Baozhi was speaking in Chinese again. Yixing seemed to be quiet as he thought and Baozhi's voice grew more and more heightened the longer Yixing maintained his silence.

After Baozhi repeated the same phrase in Chinese yet again, you finally heard a loud sigh in response before you heard Yixing's voice.

“Yes. I think I am.” Yixing said and you heard what you knew was a curse word in Chinese. Your limited knowledge told you that much. Something in the way Yixing whispered his response tickled at your brain with a strange curiosity as you wondered what it was Baozhi had asked of him, no, demanded to know so insistently.

“I'd tell you to watch your mouth but you never listen.” Yixing said without a hint of scolding in his voice.

Baozhi asked something else and you heard the instant response from his older brother.  
  
“That would never happen. Never.” Yixing stated it so matter of factly you didn't doubt him even though you had no idea what the question was. You believed him so instantly with the conviction in his voice.

You appeared in the doorway and both men straightened their postures. Yixing no longer embracing the younger man, but was now examining the wounds on the boy’s arms. As you delivered the water for Baozhi, Yixing rose from the side of the bed and moved to the closet to retrieve a small case he kept there. You sat on the edge of the bed at the foot, waiting for someone to either dismiss you or give you some other job to do, but Yixing simply tended to the boy's wounds silently, finishing up and tucking him back into his bed with cautious eyes.

“Let's take some medicine tonight huh? To keep the dreams away so you can rest.” Baozhi nodded and swallowed down the pills Yixing handed him.

Yixing's eyes were on the boy dozing in the bed next to him. From the relaxed posture and steady breathing you could tell how tired he was now. You could see the fatigue of the day catching up to him. After he was sure Baozhi was sleeping soundly he carefully rose and as he made his way toward the door you saw his eyes fall on yours. You had your head leaning against the wall and felt the sleep just within your reach as the night grew later and later.

You felt his fingertips on your wrist and you sat up straighter, looking into his face. He held a finger up to his lips and you felt him pulling you up into a standing position.

The haze of your drowsiness vanished almost instantly with his warm hands on your wrist. Fingertips flexed and traveled and his hand slowly slid down your wrist, open over your palm, you felt his hand wrap around your own and your surprised eyes flew down to the sight. You saw his back. Broad shoulders that led down to a trim waist, moving in front of you. His arm extended back as it held on tightly to your hand. Your legs moved easily of course.

You'd go with him every time and without question. This was Yixing.

He was heading back toward the large empty expanse of the gym. The openness loomed at the end of the hallway he meandered toward and you noticed the sluggishness in his steps. Yixing was the kind of man who moved with purpose and direction in all moments of his life, but now he was meandering and moving slowly. You saw the hesitation as plain as day and you wanted to stop walking. You wanted to pull him back into you and take him back to his bedroom. You wanted to stop making your way toward the exit of the gym. The big grey door that you left every day with heavy steps when all you wanted to do was stay longer.

Just an hour more. Just a day more. Just a night more.

Leaving through that door was getting more and more difficult and how lovely would it be to turn around and head back down the hallway behind you. Back to his bed. It was a soft, warm bed. You knew this already. You'd rested in it before and the smell of his bedsheets alone would be enough to get you through your loneliness for a lifetime. You were sure of it.

His shoes were on now. You felt his hand drop yours and you looked down to see your sneakers which you had left hastily at some point in your return. A habit so ingrained you didn't even remember doing it anymore but he looked down at them and you saw him reaching for your shoes without a single word on his pretty lips.

You stood your ground. Watching where he knelt down on the floor below you without looking into your eyes. His focus was down on your shoes as he carefully unknotted and pulled at the laces with slow fingers. You saw him lift the tongue up and set the shoe directly in front of where you stood. All you had to do was slip your foot inside. It was so easy.

You swallowed away the protest in your throat.

He was working on the other shoe and you watched what appeared to be a tremble in his fingertips as he struggled with the other knot.

You always double knotted your laces and he pulled harder at the knot with a furrow in his brow and his bottom lip clenched down between his top and bottom teeth.

Why were his hands shaking? Yixing never trembled. Yixing never wavered. Yixing was a rock. The human manifestation of strength and determination.

Yixing's hands were shaking. You wanted to help him untie the knot. You'd dealt with your own shoes plenty of times, it was really quite easy.

You'd nearly had enough and felt the downward shift of your gravity when you saw the knot give and he tugged hard against the laces. Your stalled and you stood back up as he spread the opening of your shoe wide and pulled up on the tongue. It was placed next to your other shoe and you saw his eyes roaming around. You saw the moment when his eyes caught your inaction when both of your ready, waiting shoes sat unoccupied in front of you, yet you stubbornly stood your ground watching his struggle.

A struggle you didn't dare name. Naming it might scare it away. It was a delicate thing and you couldn't take that risk.

When you didn't move, you saw him move instead and you felt his warm hands on your calf. His fingertips slid down to your ankle slowly and you balanced on one foot as he gripped your leg. You bent at the knee, lifting your leg for him. You felt that same warm hand slide to hold your foot and he guided your foot into the shoe.

If you wouldn't do it yourself, Yixing would do it for you. He'd help you kick yourself out of his gym. The struggle was leaning toward one side now. The side of self control the side of resistance and you stood on your newly shoed foot to lift your other foot and place it inside your other shoe.

Yixing was tying your laces for you and you felt a sharp stinging in back of your eyes.

Your emotions were acting up again.

A small sniffle left your nose against your will and you quickly lifted your hand to your face. Hiding the obviousness that would be found there should he choose to look. You couldn't risk it anymore. You didn't want to see the look on his face if he chose to look. You closed your own eyes and tried to reign it in.

The disappointment you felt in your own emotional fragility was always overwhelming, every time it happened you had a moment of shame at your own weakness. This was no exception and you quickly lifted your fingertips to wipe at the first sign of wetness. Quickly rubbing your index and your thumb together to disperse the evidence away.

You felt a stillness at your feet. He must be done with his ritual. Your shoes must be tied and he must be ready to see you to the door. Pushing you through the frame into the black of the night, telling you he would be busy with his boxing match tomorrow and you shouldn't expect him for the morning run. Telling you that he might see you some time next week if he didn't have any more matches.

You wondered if the lessons would continue. You had bested him after all. He'd taught you how to defend yourself just as you had asked and you'd done it. Didn’t you have more to learn from him?

You wondered if he regretted the kiss. He'd called it a mistake before he'd done it. How much of a mistake was it to him? Enough to kick you out tonight, that much was obvious.

You slowly opened your eyes, bracing for the sight of your tied shoes on your feet.

You saw one shoe tied in a tidy bow.

You saw the top of his head, dark hair lying flat and unstyled atop his head. You saw the steady breathing in his chest lifting his broad shoulders and you saw him holding one of the laces of your other shoe between two fingertips. He seemed frozen except for the tips of his fingers that rolled the tip of the lace back and forth.

“W-Why are you crying?” You heard his voice. He'd been so silent, the sudden sound of his voice was like a church bell ringing out in the stillness of midnight.

You didn't respond. You couldn't. How could you tell him the truth? He'd kissed you and had made you feel something you hadn't felt in so long. And now...

How could you tell him that he was kicking you out of his home and the sting of rejection was coursing through your veins like a fire.

How could you tell him about the stupid crush you'd been carefully concealing for weeks. How could you tell him how badly you wanted him every time you saw him and how grateful you were every day for his existence. How could you tell him of the longing you felt when you looked into his eyes and how badly you wanted him to touch you. How badly you craved him.

“Why?” He was speaking again. He was still looking down and the sound of his voice was different this time. It sounded thicker somehow. More so than you'd ever heard from him before.

“Yixing,” you said his name. The only thing you could get out of your lips and you felt his movement as he dropped the lace and stood quickly. His face was in front of you and wide, brown eyes were on you now.

There was a space of distance between you both and he took a step, closing up the space. The warmth of his body echoed through the space, bouncing off your skin like sound waves. Your own breathing was suddenly too loud. Too overwhelming, especially when combined with the man who was standing too close to you.

“Why are you crying?” It was more than a question now. He was practically begging you now and you felt another tear slip down your cheek.

The warmth of his palm cascaded over your face and his thumb rubbed at the wetness he found there. You couldn't control how affected your face must have looked when he touched you. You were lost under his touch and as you tried to blink the obviousness away you found his eyes watching your face closely. Warm and pleading as his breath puffed against your skin. Burning and affecting you with his closeness.

“Yixing what did Baozhi ask you... before?”

Yixing's eyes stared into yours now. His pupils ticked back and forth and he blinked. There was no motion to speak. He was silent and you waited for the inhale for him to respond but he wasn't moving at all. He was usually slower to respond to most of your questions anyway and you had grown more and more patient the longer you knew him, but his silence seemed to be excessive now, even for him.

Maybe he was confused about what you meant. Maybe he didn't remember what question you were referring to. Maybe he didn't remember the conversation he had with his brother at all. What if it was something insignificant like “ _are you ready for your fight tomorrow?”_ Or _“are you going to bed now?”_

“W-When I went to the kitchen, what did he ask?”

Yixing's eyes roamed around your face now and you saw the clench of his jaw briefly as his mind seemed to be working out his response. His hand on your face was still there and you felt his thumb moving over your skin. You heard it. You heard the inhale of air into his lungs before he spoke and your mind braced.

“He asked me if I was in love with you.”

His quiet whisper was a loud scream deep inside your mind. The impact of the words hit you hard. More so than Baozhi's question, Yixing's response was playing inside your head like a record.

_“Yes, I think I am.”_

Knowing his words, you could hear Baozhi's voice now, the insisting question he had asked over and over until his Hyung responded.

_“Are you in love with her Hyung? Are you in love with her?”_

_“Yes, I think I am.”_

There was a dizzying spinning sensation around the space behind his head as you focused on his pretty face in front of you and you felt disoriented by the confession you'd pried out of him.

“I know it's wrong of me. I know that I am your teacher and it's inappropriate-”

His words were cut off by your lips pressed against his own. Parted in mid speech, your own lips fit perfectly within his own. You felt him freeze before you felt the exhale of breath through his nose against your face.

As if brought to life suddenly he was moving and his warm hand on your face was restless. The subtle stroking of his thumb along your jaw moved in time with his own lips against yours. You felt the movement of his mouth as he came alive and he was surging into you. He took a step closer to where you stood. You felt the warmth of his body against your own and his hand was around your waist as he pulled you into him. You could feel the urgency in his fingertips as they gripped into your skin over the thin fabric of your shirt, desperate for you to feel him.

His face angled and his lips parted further when a low guttural sound from the back of his throat sent a jolt down your spine. His hand was on the back of your neck and his tongue pushed inside your mouth. You tasted him. He was Yixing. How could the taste of him be so addicting? HIs lips were soft, his mouth was warm and wet and wanting as he swept his tongue against yours and you felt his teeth bite down on your lip as he swayed. He was sucking against you, biting your upper lip briefly before moving down to bite on your bottom lip again. His kiss was needy and you felt the lean into you, pressing you back further as he bent at the waist, craving for more. Seeking and searching for more closeness. The thirst built and would not be quenched so easily. You could feel it consuming you as you were sure he was consumed by the very same wants.

Yixing, the man of extreme self control, had lost his battle and a now there was a fire. An intense burning heat that coursed through your body, ignited by his confession, ignited by his tongue and his teeth that consumed you. He was pushing you back and you could see the change in the lighting. Out of the well lit space of the gym, you were pushed backward and you felt a wall at your back. The hallway was dim and you half paid attention to your shoes that you frantically rushed to kick off. You felt his own socked feet, his own shoes left behind halfway down the hallway.

You grunted, unable to get one of your shoes off and you felt yourself lifted. Strong arms snaked down your back, to your waist, gripping you tightly you felt the upward motion and your legs wrapped around his waist. You felt your shoe pulled off quickly and you heard the thud as it fell onto the floor, forgotten. Such a silly thing was no longer needed.

His lips had left your own and you sighed as his mouth found the sensitive skin of your neck and you felt the wall behind you give as you fell backwards. It wasn't a wall, but the door. His arms held you, kept you from falling back and you were in his room. There was a click behind him as the door closed and there was gravity taking hold of you.

The firmness of his chest was in front of you, on top of you and the softness of his bed was behind you, below you. Your hands were frantic and searching for his skin. You found him. Warm and smooth beneath his shirt that came off so easily. The planes of his chest and abdomen were toned, so firm, so responsive under your fingertips as his skin dipped and flexed where your fingers explored.

You felt his warm hands on your skin. Touching you lightly at first, his hands ran over your skin as he pushed fabric out of the way. You sat up, quickly pulling your shirt over your head and his eyes were on your flesh. You felt his breath tickle against your skin. Lips and teeth nibbled over the flesh of your breasts and his hips pressed between your legs. You felt him there. You felt how affected he was by you and you wondered if he could feel the all consuming heat between your legs that was making your mind fuzzy. The heat that begged for him.

You couldn't help it when you wrapped your legs tightly around his waist and pulled him into you. You felt him push into you, pressing hardness between your legs, into your core, sending a jolt through you as he rubbed against your most sensitive space.

“Yixing,” you breathed his name out when you felt his mouth over your nipple. He bit down and sucked hard, making your back arch into him as you gasped. Your hands ran over his smooth skin, digging your nails into his soft skin.

He rose up on his ankles and with your legs still tight around his waist you lifted your hips into him. His own hips rolled against you and you could feel him again. Rigid, stiff and desperate. His eyes were on you now and you felt him tap your thighs. You relaxed your grip and he lifted himself and his hands were at your hips. At your shorts, you felt him pulling at the fabric. With a deliberate slowness he slid the fabric down, pulling at your panties below them, begging for you to unwrap yourself for him. You lifted your hips and you felt the cool air of the room exposing yourself in front of him. You felt his hands pulling at your bra that sat around your ribs now. You lifted and slid a hand behind you to unclasp the item and he pulled it free.

His eyes were greedy. You felt more exposed under his eyes now than at any other point in your life and his slow blinking as he looked at you before him made you want to close up. You saw him cover his face with his hands and he groaned out loud. A low sound from deep within his chest that echoed around the room.

His eyes were back and he was breathing hard. Heavily affected by what he saw before him you felt him drop. His mouth was moving along your skin and you felt his tongue licking a path up from your navel along your belly to the fold under where your breasts lay. The wet path he left, chilled your skin in the cool air of the room and you squirmed under his mouth. You felt his tongue against the skin of your breast. Along your nipple, licking along your collar bones, leaving trails of goosebumps in its wake. He was driving you insane with the over abundance of attention he paid to your skin. Puffing warm breath with his nose before blowing cool air from his mouth along moistened skin. How much more could you take? Light fingers tickled and pinched as you dipped and breathed, trying not to cry out loud under his touch. Small whimpers left your lips when you couldn't hold back any longer.

You felt him at your neck, at your ear and his lips kissed and nibbled on your earlobe before he inhaled a breath against you.

“Do you remember your word? Do you know how to make me stop this?”

His voice was impossibly sexy in your ear and you gasped out loud. You quickly nodded your head, registering his questions, understanding what he meant to ask you.

“Do you want me to stop?” His eyes were on you now. You saw him reaching deep inside for the last scrap of control he found there and he was holding on tightly as he pulled back from you. Just enough to give you the chance to change your mind. You could feel him draw that line. The one he should not cross. He was waiting for you to push him back. To tell him to stop and he would do it.

“I want you Yixing. Please don't stop.” You never felt more certain of the words that left your lips.

The fire raged and the floodgates were opened as he moved quickly. His mouth was back on yours, hungrier now, urgent and unrelenting and the sounds he made were animalistic now. Your hands moved to his waist, pushing down around his waist band, he shifted quickly to move his sweatpants down his waist. You felt flesh, the flesh of his thighs and he was kicking off the remaining fabric of his underwear. Your hand was exploring along his upper thighs and you reached for him. Between his legs, hard and aching he moaned out when you wrapped your hand around his hard length. Stroking and squeezing you saw his eyes squeeze tightly as you touched him.

You could feel a wetness at his tip and his head dipped with clenched teeth when you ran your thumb over his slit, smoothing the wetness around his tip, there was a tremble in the muscles of his arms that braced over your body and you felt him arch his hips away from your grip.

He moaned out something in Chinese that you couldn't understand as he forgot himself for a moment, lost in the sensation of you. You wanted him back and when you reached for him again you heard the whiney moan that left his mouth as you found him again. This time he pushed into you. Expertly smooth hips bucked forward into your hand and you felt him buck forward toward where your parted legs waited and begged for him. You felt his destination and his eyes were open as he watched your face. Your hand was still on his length and he pushed, bumping the head of his cock against your sensitive nub, slipping between your folds, sliding easily within your incredible wetness.

There was a hiss from his lips and a choked off gasp from your own mouth when guided him to your entrance and he pushed inside slowly, stopping halfway to throw his head back and gasp for air. He pushed in again and you felt the stretch. How long had it been? How long since you'd enjoyed making love to a man? How long since you'd done this willingly? Your legs parted further, letting him push in completely. He was still. He was looking into your eyes again and you saw the slow and steady blinking of his eyes as he memorized your face below him. Pushing inside of you for the first time, committing it to his memory completely. You felt him shift now as he pulled out and pushed inside again. Smooth and slow and his mouth dropped to claim your lips. His tongue pushing inside your mouth as his hips rolled again, pushing inside your awaiting wetness.

His mouth was traveling again as he tasted more bits of your skin with his tongue. His pace was quicker now and you could feel the tension building deep inside your belly with each deep thrust inside.

“You feel so fucking good, why did I wait this long for this? What the fuck is wrong with me? God, you're amazing.” He was speaking in hushed whispers against your neck as his mouth nipped and kissed along your jaw.

You weren't capable of a response. He was fucking you too hard now and his hips were gaining power with each rough thrust. You grasped and clung tightly around his shoulders and could feel yourself losing the hold you had on to your sanity. You cried out with each thrust and when you felt him lift himself up onto his ankles to roll his hips deep inside you, his fingers were down at your clit, massaging against the already overstimulated bundle of nerves. It was too much. The peak consumed you too quickly making your legs tremble and clench around him hard. He pushed in again, once, twice and he was shaking all over as he gave in, filling you deep inside with his heat. You felt the spasms inside and the spurts of warmth as he came with a loud moan.

With a loud exhale you felt him drop over you again and his mouth was back on yours. His legs gave and he wrapped his arms around your waist. He pulled back from the kiss, gasping in a deep breath of oxygen and wrapped himself around your body, rolling you to the side as he slid out of your wetness and you felt the mess spill out over your thighs.

You nuzzled your face within the crook of his neck and when you inhaled you were so flooded with the smell of yixing, you nearly cried. There was a thin sheen of sweat over his damp skin and your lips couldn't resist kissing the smoothness of his neck.

You felt the security of his strong arms leave you for a second as he sat up quickly to grab the blanket that sat at the foot of his bed and he quickly tossed it over the both of you, enveloping you in warmth.

“Yixing,” you could feel your body relaxing against him, within his arms you could feel yourself quickly fading and you knew your voice would be thick and muffled by his skin in front of you.

“Hmm,” he responded and you felt the vibration in his throat against your lips. His breathing was too steady now, you wondered if he was falling asleep too.

“I love you.” You said it with confidence and conviction. You knew it wasn't just a light statement and you knew that you had felt it so completely for a while now. There was a freedom that flared within your head as the words left your mouth that made you feel giddy and light.

He shifted and looked down at your face. Warm brown eyes were serious and intense on yours as he watched your face. With a slow blink and a softening of his brows you saw his face change as the sweetest smile manifested on his lips. The purple shadow of the bruise on his nose was a bitter reminder of the mark you had made on him. He was still so beautiful despite the blemish. He licked his lips, swallowed slowly and you felt his wet lips pressing up against your own again. The kiss was slow. He savored your lips between his own. As he moved with light suction from his mouth and slow swipes of his tongue so languid and deliberate, you felt lost in his mouth. Lost in the affection you could feel in the kiss and you determined to memorize the feel of this.

“I love you too,” his eyes were closed and the words blew out against your parted, wet lips. You could practically taste the words on your tongue and they were better than any expensive flavor you'd ever tried in your whole life.

You let yourself drift. Lulled into a peaceful security that was unmatched by anything you'd yet to experience in your life. The security of Yixing's bed. Of his arms. Of his lips and his kisses.

The sun wasn't yet up and you felt a warm body shift against you. You heard the steady rhythmic pitter-patter of rain hitting the window in his room and you opened your eyes, trying to orient yourself. You could smell Yixing and your rousing must have woken him up as you heard the low moan that came from his chest.

“Good morning. It's raining,” you heard him whisper into your ear and you felt his lips pressing up against your neck. You glanced at the time on the clock on his nightstand and saw that it was already 5am.

You groaned and tried to sit up but you felt his arms wrap around you waist and pull you back down into the bed.

“I said it’s raining,” he said and you couldn't help the giggle that erupted from your chest as you fell back down on top of where he laid on the bed.

“I don't run in the rain, love.” You looked into his smiling face in confusion and you shook your head at the man who smiled at you now.

“You made me run in the rain three times last month. It was freezing and I couldn't feel my toes when I got home.” Your voice was too high as you looked at him with a budding annoyance in your brows. You watched as he bit down on his lip and blinked at you. You saw him raise a single eyebrow. He was fighting his smile now and he wasn't doing a very good job of it.

“T-That was different.” You saw him bite down harder on his lips as your eyes widened. The scowl on your face was more prominent now.

“What was different Yixing?” You demanded and you heard him giggling as you laid your hands on his ribs and began digging your fingers in hard against his skin.

“What was different, huh?” He was laughing now and you felt him wrap his arms tighter around your waist, moving them up high to try and wrap around your arms to stop the tickling now.

“Let's just stay inside and exercise today. I don't want to get wet.” This was definitely a new side to him that you hadn't experienced before. The sound of his pleading sounded downright whiny and you stopped and looked at him in shock.

“What kind of exercise can we do inside?” You looked at the window with the rain that seemed to be falling harder now and when you looked down into his face he was watching you with a darker look. You saw him bite on his lip again and his expression looked downright carnal as his eyes trailed down your body. You had his blanket wrapped around you and you felt his fingertip running lightly down your chest, pulling at the strip of cloth that rested over your bare breasts.

“Oh,” you said, suddenly understanding his desire to stay inside this morning. His desire to stay in bed was more like it. You tried to keep your face unaffected and disinterested. You even tried to fake rolling your eyes, but in the end you couldn't. Not with him looking at you like he was.

“Oh, that kind of exercise,” you said as you gave in to him with a smile on your face.

\---------

It was the first lazy morning you'd had since you'd met him. If you weren't experiencing it for yourself you'd have thought Yixing was a man incapable of a single slow moving sluggish morning in his entire life, but here you were, walking slowly down the sidewalk with the man that had kept you by his side in that bed until the very last moment. You had only an hour to get ready for work and you swore you saw a pout on the man's lips. He tried to push it away but you definitely saw it there.

At your door he watched as you entered your door code and when you turned the knob and pushed against the door you felt yourself spinning. You felt his strong hands at your face, holding your cheeks and his mouth was crashing against yours.

“Why can't I just leave you? Why is this so hard?” You could feel him smiling against your mouth and you giggled as you playfully pushed against his chest. He stumbled backwards before steadying himself with his arms against your doorframe.

“Are you coming to watch my match after work?” His brows lifted with the question and you nodded quickly.

“Of course. Now go! I'm going to be late for work.” You saw the pretty smile on his face and when he turned you saw the deep dimple on his cheek that nearly killed you every time you saw it and you quickly closed the door on the gorgeous man before you pulled him back inside your home and gave up on trying to have any sort of a real job like a responsible adult.

You made it halfway through your living room toward your bedroom when your doorbell rang. It was a quick, urgent sounding tone that surprised you and you swirled around with a laugh.

This version of Yixing was really the most peculiar one. More so than the curious friendly Yixing, the one in love was relentless. The touchs, the kisses, the sex, the need. He was nearly insatiable and you wondered how long the guy had been single. How long he had been so completely immersed in his training that he had neglected all other aspects of his human needs.

Your smile was impossible to remove from your face as you quickly rushed back to your door, pulling it open wide with the scolding ready on your lips.

“Yixing, I really have to-”

Your words were cut off by swift strong movement. There was a blur of action and your brain immediately registered one thing.

This wasn't Yixing.

You knew it so completely in your soul that you wondered how you ever mistook Yixing for a genuine attacker at any point during the trainings. The truth was so obvious now you felt ridiculous for even confusing the man you loved and trusted so completely for this monster who pushed into your home.

The movement of the man standing in front of you was so swift and determined that you felt yourself shoved backward, hard into the wall of your living room. You heard the scuffle of his boots on the tile and you heard the whoosh of air leaving your lungs as he landed with his forearms hard against your chest. You heard the air disappear a split second before the dizzying after effects of your empty lungs hit you with a desperate gasping and a clawing at the man who rested hard over your chest, pressing his weight into you and pinning you hard against the wall.

 _Kangwoo_.

He found you again.

“Yixing? Is that his fucking name? Is that who I had to watch kiss you at your fucking door as he brought you _home_? Did you fuck him last night? Is that where you were?”

You felt the panic instantly flood through your system and there was a screaming inside your brain. A loud urgency that was begging you to move. Begging you to act. You closed your eyes for a split second, shutting out the unbridled rage you saw in his eyes.

“I'm going to fucking kill you. I'll kill you. But not before I give you exactly what you deserve.” His menacing tone was so familiar your skin crawled with hate the more he spoke.

Everything in your body was telling you to curl up and hide. You wanted to drop to the ground and beg for mercy, but you knew that never did any good. He didn't understand mercy. He understood pain and punishment. Control and abuse.

Ten seconds. Ten seconds. Ten seconds. Yixing's voice was ringing in your ear like a mantra. You have ten seconds to gain the upper hand. You need to move. He's just now pushed himself against you. You must move now. Incapacitate him and run.

“I can't believe you would do this to me.” Kangwoo was distracted by his own misguided sense of outrage that you would dare defy him. That you would dare fall in love with someone who treated you right. Someone who deserved you. That you would dare leave him.

This was Kangwoo. Someone so self consumed and delusional about the love he believed he deserved from you that he never saw the pain he put your through. He never saw anything from your side. It was eternally, and perpetually about him.

Your temper flared and you moved in an instant.

He was still lamenting on the fact that you would dare see another man behind his back that he never saw it coming.

You brought your knee up hard, colliding up into his groin, square between his legs while simultaneously snaking your arms up. Your forearms slipped beneath the arm he held against your chest and you turned to the side, using his forward weight and momentum to sent him against the wall he had been pressing you up against.

He grunted out with the pain that coursed through his lower belly, radiating from his groin and he doubled over, falling hard into the wall. You stood over him, watching his face contort and twist in pain and confusion at your swift evasive movement.

You watched him writhe around against your wall on your floor for a second, feeling a strange sense of satisfaction at the sight.

So easy. It had been so easy to take him down. You weren't even breathing hard.

_Take him down and run._

Yixing's voice was nagging in the back of your mind again.

_Take him down_

_And run._

_Run._

You couldn't run. Kangwoo was in pain caused by you. You couldn't run.

You were going to disobey your teacher today. You couldn't help it as you looked down at your tormentor. The man you had been running from for too long.

You were suddenly tired.

You were tired of running.

His recovery was fast and you saw him moving. He stood quickly and you heard the roar of anger leave his chest. He sounded like a looming giant and he moved too slow. Much slower than Yixing ever moved in your trainings. You saw his fist wind up and you stood still for a split second, watching as he prepared his punch.

But his stance was hasty and his balance was weak. By the time his big clunking arm swung out in the direction of your face you were already moving. You ducked instantly and spun to the left, using his momentum against him as you had been taught. Bracing your knee against his shaky back leg you pushed. He fell into your kitchen counter with a grunt of pain and you wanted to laugh. You might have even felt the giggle escape your lungs with your amusement.

Had he always been this slow? At this point it wasn't even about strength. You had yet to use any actual force against him. He was practically bringing himself down. He was just so obvious.

Every intention of his was broadcasted practically days before he actually moved on them and after the long grueling weeks of working with Yixing you finally understood why he was so effective in the boxing ring. He was fast. He could practically see what his opponents were going to do before they even knew what they were going to do. In between the self defense and when Yixing had been teaching you actual boxing. The punches and the digs and the spins and dodging, he had also instilled this mentality. Know your opponent. Pay attention to their balance and their weight distribution. The body makes its intentions known like this and you saw it so clearly as you watched Kangwoo.

“Kangwoo, I'm not the same woman I was before. Why don't you leave now before you embarrass yourself any further.” Since when did you have the guts to say such a thing to this man? He pulled himself up from the floor in the kitchen. You saw the blood dripping from the corner of his mouth. He must have hit his mouth on the edge of the counter when you brought him down.

He lifted a trembling hand to wipe the blood from his mouth and his lips pulled into a crazed smile. You saw no glimmer of amusement or happiness in that smile. It was wicked. It was the smile of a lunatic. You could see the intent in his eyes now. This wasn't over. He wouldn't leave. He was going to try and kill you now. Or you would kill him.

You felt a chill run down your spine when Kangwoo looked at you. The blood in his mouth coated his teeth and he licked his lips, swallowing the excess blood down. You imagined the taste was terrible. Your own amusement at how easily this man seemed to defeat was fading quickly as he took a step toward you. With another step you heard an animalistic roar erupt from his chest and he was advancing fast. Fueled by the rage inside his body, he was going to kill you. You were sure he wouldn't stop until you were dead.

The roar echoed out inside your mind but sounded off. In the split seconds before you felt him collide with you, the edges of the sound of his rage had a different sound. The sound of a voice that was familiar. The sound of your name being called out in question in that voice that you had been listening to all night. The voice that cooed into your ear as he made love to you during the early morning rain shower. The sound of your front door code being entered and the click of your door opening.

You turned your head toward the sound.

It was a mistake.

It was Yixing's voice. The lure of it was so powerful, you turned to look at the sound of your love as the roar from the monster in your kitchen crowded your senses, pushing you back with a force against your head that made you see white. A blinding white pain hit you hard across the face and your head flew back. Your eyes were still on the door and you saw his face.

Yixing. His brown eyes found yours and the look of confusion in his eyes vanished with the white that took over your vision with a blinding pain in your head. You felt a fist hit you twice and your focus had been off, making his hits effective and landing square on their target.

You were on the floor and you desperately tried to pull yourself out of it. You forced your eyes to stay open and you forced the pain to the back of your mind because something was happening now.

Something so significant it required your immediate attention. You needed to be present for this. You needed to wake up.

Your eyes caught movement.

Two men. One faster, one stronger and one on top of the other as he threw punch after punch into a bloody face. You saw red spatters fly with each collision of fist against flesh and the rage on the face of the man on top was brilliant and blinding.

“Was it you? Were you the son of a bitch who hurt her? Do you like this, you coward? You like how it feels to be hit by someone stronger than you? By someone faster than you?“

Kangwoo tried to buck. Tried to kick, tried to twist away from the assault, but Yixing was too skilled. And he was too mad.

“You're a disgusting dog. A fucking piece of shit who doesn't deserve to live.” The anger that flew out of Yixing's mouth as he landed the hits was nearly palpable.

“Yixing,” you called his name. You had to break the spell of his rage. You needed him to stop before he did something that would destroy him.

Yixing didn't hear you and you caught a new movement from the man on the floor. You saw his hands snaking down behind him and you saw something there. Something tucked into his belt that seemed just out of his reach.

You leapt forward, toward the fists that still flew and toward the blood and the grunting and the rage and you frantically grasped hard at Kangwoo’s back. His hand was on the matte black object and you felt his fingers wrapped around tightly as he tried to pull it out. He tried to gain control of it. You reached forward with both of your hands, desperate to grab ahold of it before he could.

He felt your efforts and he turned, dipping his shoulders down as he tried to gain the upper hand. You had both hands, he had only one and when you felt the heavy metal of the gun tucked into the back of his pants you clawed your nails deep into his hand.

Yixing registered your presence and he looked up into your eyes. Your hand was around the barrel now. You had it, you knew you had it and you harnessed every last bit of strength you had in your hands to pull hard.

His hand grasped at the air and you felt his other hand whirl around, grabbing for the gun now with every ounce of desperation in his body. Your hands and his hands were both on the trigger and there was a squeezing. There was a squeezing from him and a pushing from you before a deafening blast rang out that silenced the world around you.

You felt heat. A burning heat in your hands and you quickly dropped the scorching metal and someone was breathing hard next to you.  
  
You quickly ran your hands over yourself, feeling for injuries. You weren't hurt. It wasn't you.

Adrenaline coursed through your body, making your thinking fuzzy and you looked up into Yixing's shocked eyes. The breathing. The heavy breathing was Yixing. He was sitting on his butt with parted legs, where he had fallen during the struggle for the gun.

Your own breathing was too loud and Yixing's breathing was loud but something was missing.

You heard only the sound of two.

Moving slowly, with a new kind of terror that you hadn't experienced before you let your eyes trail over the other person in the room.

Kangwoo wasn't breathing.

Kangwoo was so still. His warm body was eerily quiet and your hand that you laid over his chest felt stiff and wrong. His face was turned away from you and you could see the pooling blood on your floor. Near your your knees.

You and Yixing were breathing.

Kangwoo wasn't breathing.

Kangwoo was dead and you had killed him.

He was going to kill you. He was going to kill Yixing. He brought his gun with this in mind and now he was dead and you had done it. You were a killer.

You were a killer.

There was a haze over your mind as you stared at the blood. You listened to the steady breathing of the man on the floor next to you and you felt his hands on your shoulders. You felt him pulling you back, pulling you away from the spreading pool of red and you fell backwards. His arms were under your armpits and he was pulling you back, turning you around. You felt warm arms wrapping around you and you could hear his voice steady in your ear.

“Stop looking at him. Look at me, please. Look at me.” His voice was a echo.

There was so much blood. How could there be so much blood. You looked around your kitchen. It had been so clean. This was your home. Now there was so much blood and you were a killer.

You felt cold and you were shaking.

Someone was hugging you tightly. Using their warmth to try and bring you out of it.

“Baby look at me. Please honey look at me.” Why was Yixing begging so hard? Why did he sound so scared?

You found his eyes. Warm brown and full of love. You watched his brows relax and you saw the grimace on his face. A smile that failed.

“There you are. Okay we need to call the police.” He was speaking to you and you shook your head at the word.

“He's the police. He's one of them.” Yixing's face flew down to the floor behind you, looking with parted lips and surprise on his face at the dead man in your home.

The man you killed.

“Okay. But he attacked you. H-He is still a bad guy. I-It’s going to be okay. Listen….we…” Yixing was rubbing hard on your arms as he thought. His mind working to come up with some sort of a solution for this.

He was breathing harder now and you saw a change in the expression on his face. He looked determined now. Why did he look like that? What did he have to be so sure about?

“Listen to me, we….we will say that I k-killed him.” Your mind must have been playing tricks on you now. Or Yixing had lost his mind.

“I-I can handle it. I can take something like this. I promise you. We call the police now and we tell them that in the end, I pulled the trigger.”

What kind of nonsense was this? You shook your head.

“No. I killed him Yixing. I pulled the trigger. He was going to kill both of us. I had to do it.” Yixing's hands left your arms and you saw him cover his face. The look you saw before his hands covered his eyes was panic. Yixing was scared.

Scared for you.

He was shaking his head and you heard the choked sob that broke free from his chest. The pain surfacing from deep within his body and rising up over his head. You could hear the strangled breaths that were leaving his lungs now as his shoulders shook.

“No. Please. P-Please let me take the blame. Please let them take me instead. I can't watch them take you.” He was begging behind his hands and you felt your own tears rolling freely down your face as the gravity of the situation hit you.

“Yixing. You need to leave now. I'm going to call the police.” You spoke out in a calm voice now. No longer clouded by the effects of the fight or the struggle. Yixing needed to leave so you could call the police and tell them what you had done.

He needed to go.

“No. I'm not leaving. You're not doing this alone.” His voice was louder now. You could hear the stern voice of your teacher trying to break through the strong emotions he had been fighting.

“Yixing. Go. This isn't yours. This is mine. I did it. I need you to get out of my house right now.” Your own voice was too loud now. Too certain.

You felt his trembling fingers on your hand. You felt him step into you, wrapping himself around you, begging and pleading with his body to give in.

“I'm not leaving. I won't go.” He was looking into your eyes. His eyes were hard and and inflexible. You could see the stubbornness on his face. The determination to win this argument. He wasn't going to back down. He was relentless. He was a fighter after all and he would win. He was going to stand his ground and he would take the blame for you. He would confess to killing Kangwoo and he would go to prison and Baozhi would be alone.

Baozhi would lose the only person in the world who loved him.

“Rosemary,” you breathed out against his face and you watched his eyes widen and soften in front of you.

“Rosemary.” You repeated and you saw his mouth open to speak. But he was still. No words came out and his eyes trailed over and around your face.

“Yixing, you promised me. You promised me you would stop if I said it. No matter what. You promised would stop.”

His eyes were wet. He swallowed hard and you heard the exhale of breath that left his lungs, deflating his chest and pulling him down. He dropped his face and you watched his face break down. You saw the tremble in his lip that he quickly bit down on to stop and you saw the tears falling down his face. He was crying hard.

His body shook and his sobs broke through the silence around you and broke your heart. Gasps and chokes racked through his chest and if you hadn't been so determined to save him you would have given in to him. You felt his weeping deep down inside your soul. You felt him give up.

He was trembling and his eyes squeezed shut when you saw it. He nodded. Just once, it was tiny, but he did it.

He had kept his promise to you.

When he lifted his face again you leaned in, pressing your lips against his. You felt the choked sob leave his mouth when he felt your kiss.

“I love you,” he whispered against your lips and you nodded in understanding and agreement. You didn't dare respond with words. You couldn't. This wouldn't be the last time you saw him. There was no way you could let that happen.

His legs moved when you pushed him and the loud click of the door closing on his back echoed through your mind.

Silence. You were met with a looming sense of dread and a deafening silence inside your home. You allowed yourself a moment. Just one.

A flash of awareness brought your mind to attention as you found yourself alone in your home with your dead ex boyfriend who had died by your hand.

You scrambled for your cell phone and you quickly accessed the app for the webcam you had set up as a security camera at your front door. You'd struggled against Kangwoo long enough to know that fighting against the police was ineffective without proof and as you accessed the file with the video files your mind cleared further.

You watched the video replay of the bigger stronger man pushing through your home, hitting you against the wall. You heard his threats through the speaker of your phone. His promise that he was going to kill you.

You reached the point in the feed where Yixing came in and you quickly backtracked, deleting the files from that point forward. With a quick email to yourself of the video file you ripped the webcam down from above the door and smashed it at the entrance.

You would say it was a casualty of the struggle for your life. You knew you had copies of restraining orders against the man. You knew you had been preparing for this fight for so long and that this phone call was only the beginning.

The operator answered the ringing line, questioning your emergency information and the reason for your call. You braced yourself before you spoke.

“I've just shot a man who attacked me in my home. I need the police and an ambulance right away.”

You set your phone down into your lap and you waited for the storm to hit.

THE END (Epilogue to follow)


	5. The Boxer, Epilogue - 1 of 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: ANGST

The rain pattered against the glass of the small window that sat up high on the wall. Bars on the outside matched the drab grey cement of the inside. How many days had it been raining now? This monsoon season seemed to be going on much longer than it should be.

Would you have noticed otherwise? From within the cold empty walls of your cell you paid too much attention to the rain. More than you would have on the outside.

You thought you would be prepared for it. But life inside of a prison was different than you had expected in many ways.

It was the noise more than anything. You hadn't expected so much noise surrounding you at all times in here. You'd eventually succumbed to exhaustion and had quickly learned to sleep despite the noise. You had to, to survive. With a high volume of women living in a single complex there wasn't a single moment of silence.

You missed the silence.

Amongst other things.

A sound outside of the bars caught your ear. Boots hitting concrete, echoing through the huge empty space of the center atrium, accentuated by a jingle of keys on each down step.

A guard was coming. They all heard it. Voices quieted down around you as the steps neared, eager to see who the guard sought out.

Your cellmate, an older woman named Elena who never spoke to you outside of short one word commands slurred in a heavy accent, rolled over in her bed and eyed the bars.

The steps stopped in front of your cell and you sat up quickly.

Elena rolled back toward the wall. She'd never been called out once since arriving two months after you did. Everyone knew it was visiting hours now and Elena never got visitors. You heard from other inmates that all of her family was in another country.

Your name echoed through the space between the bars in that same gruff tone this guard always used. She couldn't show softness here. You'd expected that much.

“Your lawyer is here.” The guard said in clipped words as she opened the doors, eyeing Elena on the bed as she tightened the chains around your hands and feet.

_Only one visitor per day. If your lawyer was here, he couldn't come._

The chains were heavy. They left marks on your wrists and the ones on your legs made you take small shuffling steps as their movement prohibited your legs from walking at a normal pace. That never stopped some of the guards from tugging you along roughly when you didn't go fast enough.

You'd expected the roughness.

This guard, the one the inmates called Jo, didn't pull you. She merely held onto your arm lightly and walked alongside of you as you made your way down the corridor. You had a feeling about Jo. Something about her was sweet, under the forced roughness. You were certain, had you two met under different circumstances you would have been friends. Cells lined the walkway and you were mostly ignored except for the occasional comment hurled your way. Inquiries about where you were going. Shouts about the cop killer getting a visitor again.

The other inmates knew of your crime.

Everyone knew of your crime. The death of a beloved, and decorated police officer by his jilted ex lover with his own gun--you were a legend in these walls. As the details of the case began to emerge the media caught wind. A whirlwind of press and lawyers and charges and allegations. Reporters stationed outside of the courthouse during the arraignment. Angry protesters demanding your head. Demanding your life for his. Demanding retribution. Bond was denied by a judge who was up for re-election soon. Public opinion counted and he was weak to it. Charges were upgraded from Manslaughter to First Degree Murder by the DA who faced great pressures from the public. From the police force. All demanding justice.

_Justice._

The word soured in the back of your throat as the image of blood pooling behind Kangwoo's body flashed in your mind. With the upgraded charges you now faced a life sentence. That, you hadn't expected. With self defense you thought at worst, 15 years, but life? A lifetime in here? The rest of your life for Kangwoo's life.

_Justice._

Jo stopped walking in front of the door where a lock was opened that required two guards working together to unlock the door.

On the other side of that door, another small space with another door.

_Doors and locks._

This had been your reality for --- how long had it been now?

You nervously rubbed a hand over your stomach, feeling your nerves acting up and fluttering around.

_4 months._

4 long months of planning and working on your defense with your lawyer.

You'd been surprised when the law firm with the fancy sounding name approached you and offered to defend you of your charges. You'd been dealing with a rather disinterested public defender for the first two months after the arrest but when the news caught wind of your reasons for defending yourself, you were suddenly thrust into the hands of a new firm. One with a history of defending women accused of killing their abusers. One with a history of winning such cases.

When you met her for the first time, something in her eyes told you to trust her.

Attorney Park. She was short, stocky, loud and abrasive. She had a fire and passion in her eyes and she was angry.

She was a fighter, she said. Just like you, she said. She'd dealt with her share of assholes in her time who deserved a bullet in the head, she said.

Rehashing the years of abuse under Kangwoo's hands _for the record_ had been harder than you had expected.

You gave it all to her. Your stories. Your email and passwords, your recordings, the pictures of the bruises with dates and hospital records. The rape kits that the police refused at the time, claiming insufficient evidence that the attacks were non-consensual. He was your lover after all, they all said. He was their friend. He wouldn't do something like that.

You'd tried your hardest to keep Yixing out of your accounts of the events that night, but Attorney Park was quick. She'd seen the medical examiner’s reports of the struggle. The bruises and lacerations on Kangwoo's face, clearly inflicted before death. When Yixing had been on top of him, hitting him over and over when his rage took over.

You were sure she had been to see Yixing. She hadn't seemed surprised at all to hear of it.

So you told her. You told her how you'd been taking lessons to defend yourself. You'd told her how you were trained to fight, and to survive.

A quick note in her tablet, a quick swipe through her sheets of work and she told you never to speak of your lessons again.

Your defense hinged on an armed attacker uninvited and in your home, a trained police officer out of his jurisdiction, acting out against multiple restraining orders and threatening the life of his ex girlfriend in her home. If you had trained, your hands were now weapons. That changed things. You would be seen as an equal and your chances would slip.

You considered the possibility that Yixing had been the person who sought her out to defend you in the first place. Maybe it was him who contacted her first. You couldn't be sure. You never worked up the nerve to ask. The world outside continued to churn as you sat stuck in limbo. Trapped by your own guilt.

Yixing. Your mind flashed to his face. The serious expression he held on his face when he fought. When he sparred with the other boxers in the ring. The same expression that you saw soften and vanish again and again when he taught you. When he watched you perform the move he'd expected of you and was satisfied with your progress. Your mind drifted down his face. His straight nose. His pink cheeks, flushed from the passion you'd coaxed from him that night. His lips, unimaginably soft and delicate. His tongue, that tasted your skin. Gentle pressure from his fingertips that trailed over your flesh, gripping your hips as he pulled you into him. Not too rough. Just slow enough to drive you mad with desire.

_4 months._

How much of a burden had you already been to him? How much more would he suffer because you decided to move into that apartment that just happened to be cheap enough for you to afford. An apartment that just happened to be situated one block away from his boxing gym. And you just happened to walk into that gym that day, demanding he teach you. The upheaval you'd caused in his life was already monumental.

The meeting today was routine. Updating you on motions filed by the prosecution. She gave you accounts and articles and statements. Things that didn't surprise you anymore.

“The sooner you tell him, the better.” Attorney Park was packing up her notes and her tablet when her voice broke through the comfortable rare bit of silence you had settled into. You didn't respond. She never expected you to. You simply nodded your head as you were led out of the room back to your cell.

_You would tell him tomorrow._

He was right on time. As always. Jo led you down the corridor to the visiting area. Different from the room where lawyers met, this room had a row of chairs that faced a wall with hazy scratched up glass windows. Each gave the illusion of privacy with short partitions. A phone on each side of the glass.

Prisoners were sat down in each seat, you took the next in line and you waited as visitors shuffled through the doors.

You saw small children, too young to understand why the woman on the other side of the glass couldn't just come home with them. Men and women who looked worn and weary. Stressed by whatever situation their beloved had found themselves in.

When you saw his face all others vanished.

“Ayy, Papi! If I had a sexy man like that, I wouldn't have gotten myself locked up in this place.” You heard one of the inmates at the end calling out followed by hoots of laughter.

“Who knew you gotta kill a cop to get a man that fine?” Another called out as Yixing made his way to sit down in front of your seat.

You didn't respond to any of it. Responding only made it worse. Yixing was picking up the phone as he smiled at you, flashing that deep dimple that made your stomach flutter. You lifted the phone on your side and returned the smile.

“Hey beautiful,” his voice rang through the line. Muffled by the crappy connection and filtered through what you were sure was recording software to keep track of the conversations held here.

“Hi Yixing.” You smiled at his pretty face. Visits were limited to 30 minutes and you usually preferred to listen to his voice as he told you about his day. He talked about Baozhi and the gym. Told you stories about the matches he'd had. Matches he'd won. He usually didn't talk much about the trial or the bad press stories about you, even though you had access to some news and you knew the things they were saying about you. You heard plenty from the other inmates too. You were sure he was just sparing you the pain of it.

Today he was talking about Baozhi. Apparently the kid had passed his high school equivalency exam and had earned his degree. Something you knew he'd been working hard on for a while. Your smile was wide and genuine as your heart swelled with pride.

“He wrote you a letter too. I've left it with the guards. I also put more money in your account for snacks and necessities. Phone cards too, you should call me more. I keep plenty of money in there for you to call me.”

“Yixing-” your voice broke through his steady speech and his eyebrows lifted as he looked at you through the hazy glass.

You felt your heart race and your breathing quicken all of a sudden. Realizing that you had his attention now and you had to do it. You had to tell him the truth.

You heard the hum on the line from his throat, urging you to speak. To tell him what you had interrupted him for. To get it out. To say it finally. Your mouth felt too dry and you longed for some water as you rested your hand over your chest, running down lower to rest over your stomach.

“Yixing I …” There was a crinkle of paper you felt in your pocket. Against your thigh. You slipped a trembling hand inside your pocket to retrieve the picture you kept there. The picture you kept with you and guarded with your life since you'd gotten it.

You caught the look of slight alarm in his eyes as he took in your shift in mood. You inhaled a breath, your voice too shaking and too trembling to pass unnoticed through the phone and he sat up straighter.

“What is it? What's happened?” His hackles were raised now and you heard the alarm in his voice. His hand moved to touch against the glass.

You had to act quickly before you lost the nerve. It had gone on for far too long. It had to be said.

“I'm pregnant.” The words whooshed through your lips like air leaving a balloon and you saw the widening of his eyes as those words filtered into his ear.

You gripped the picture of small baby shaped speck of white against a fuzzy black background inside your pocket. Not prepared to show him just yet.

Not when the options were still on the table.

He was silent. He was frozen.

“15 minutes!” A guard shouted loudly over your head and you jumped and turned in surprise at the noise.

“P-Pregnant?” You heard his voice calling through the line and you turned to face him again, trying to gauge his reaction.

“T-There's still….time to get rid-”

“You're pregnant? Right now? With my baby?” His voice was louder and higher in your ear now and you closed your eyes feeling the emotions well up inside your chest when you heard him use the word. You hadn't dared to call the swelling in your belly a _baby_ yet. The word left his lips so easily.

 _My baby._ You wanted to weep.

You nodded with closed eyes, pushing the emotions away. Pushing them back down inside your chest so they wouldn't escape in front of him. You could cry later. You could break down in your cell next to Elena who didn't care if you puked or laughed or cried.

When you were sure they were secure you risked a glance at him. His eyes were wide, his hand still on the glass and you saw something in his eyes. A spark of something there that you hadn't expected.

You'd prepared for all sorts of outcomes to this. Scenarios played in your head where he told you to get rid of it. Told you to find another sucker to put up with this trouble. Told you he wasn't ready to be a father. Wasn't ready for this life changing event that would surely throw his entire world into upheaval.

You'd braced for the impact of the reality of losing him. Losing him, losing the child, losing the fantasy once and for all.

“I’m going to be a daddy?” He asked softly into the line and you could see through the haze the rapid rise and fall of his chest, punctuating his heavy breathing. You couldn't be sure, but you thought you saw a glistening in his eyes.

“I'm going to be somebody’s daddy.” He whispered and it sounded like he was speaking to himself now as reality hit him hard.

This--This you hadn't expected. Was that a smile? Was he smiling now?

“We're going to have a baby?” he said clearer now into your ear and you nodded your head, unable to deny the truth in the statement he had just made loud and clear into the phone.

With a deep breath you heard him steady himself and you slowly pulled out the picture, sliding it over the glass on one corner, a spot without scratches where he could see it clearly. You saw his eyes move as he tracked the movement.

“Oh my god, is that--” he said as he ducked his head and looked closely through the glass at the ultrasound picture. The only one you would get until just before the baby was due to be born.

You saw the emotions fly across his face and he lifted a hand to wipe at his eyes quickly before he moved back down to look at the picture.

“5 minutes!” A guard shouted and you saw him clench down on his jaw as he straightened out his shoulders, lifting the phone and tapping the glass for you to do the same.

“Are you okay?” His voice was thick with concern and you nodded, not trusting your voice for words.

“Listen to me-” he was speaking again. His voice low and serious. His fingers flexed against the glass with his words.

“Listen, I love you...and-”

“And I'm promising you this. You're going to get out of there. Okay? I'm going to bring you both home with me and you're going to be okay.” His voice had a new desperation and he was speaking quickly as the sounds of chairs pushed back and guards shouted over shuffling feet filled the space. You felt hands at your shoulders, hauling you up, refastening the cuffs around your hands for the trip back to your cell.

One last look at his face at the doorway before the sight of him vanished and you could see it. A look of wonder and amazement on his face as he watched you walk away from him. His hand secured over his chest and the wetness glistening in his eyes.

You made it back to your room before you broke down. Elena, true to her character, ignored the quiet sobbing in your bed as she ignored everything else you did.

As your trial progressed, your belly grew and you were kept out of the general population for meals and recreation time. You were given prenatal vitamins and regular doctor checkups and Yixing kept up with any and all updates about the baby. Insisting you called him regularly and immediately after any appointments you had. He told you about the parenting classes he had signed up to take and how Baozhi and he had been working on getting the boxing gym baby proofed and ready for the new addition. With each conversation about it, the excitement in his voice grew until you were pretty sure he was going to pop from anticipation.

During the phone calls he even made you put the phone against your belly. You felt silly doing it but you did it anyway. It was during one of those phone calls, with the vibration of Yixing's voice through the handset tickling against your belly, when you felt the first kick.

After that you didn't hesitate to let him talk to your belly as much as he wanted. You noticed most of what he was saying was in Chinese and you wondered what he was saying. He usually just talked, but every now and then, when you got lucky, you would hear him singing. You strained your ears to listen to the sounds coming through the phone that you directed at your belly as the tiny ball of energy inside kicked away, making your whole belly shake with the activity.

His singing voice was beautiful. The kind of voice you could listen to all night as you fell asleep in his arms. He sang slow songs, faster songs, little things in Chinese that you'd never heard before. When you asked about them you could practically hear him shrug over the line. Simply saying that babies needed to be sung to and leaving it at that.

His visits and the phone calls made it bearable. You wondered how many years he would do this for you before he moved on. Taking his love and his child with him as you rotted behind these bars for the rest of your life. The man had already done so much. Did you really expect him to do it forever?

You'd half expected to be done with the trial and moving on with serving whatever sentence would be handed down by the jury before you gave birth.

Who knew murder trials could take such a long time?

You felt the gush of your water breaking and running down your legs in the middle of the night. You'd stood up to pee when it happened and the sensation was unsettling to say the very least. Your pants were soaked and you hobbled over to the bars of your cell to call for the night guard. Inmates in the adjoining cells soon called for the guards attention as well, suddenly excited about the commotion you made as you tried to get someone's attention.

You had been feeling contractions lately and had several signs that it might be close now, based on what you had read in the books Yixing had sent you.

Of course the guards arrived and Jo, the sweet lady guard who had eventually warmed up to you and offered kind words under her breath into your ear at times when you were particularly upset, was working the night shift that night. She kept your shackles as loose as she was allowed to and waited with you as you slowly walked down the corridor to the waiting ambulance in the front of the prison.

You'd prepared for the pain. You'd embraced it, expected it to hit you hard and it did. Your nurses were kind and you named Yixing as the father and the person who would take custody of your baby after your 24 hours was up.

Because that was what you got.

24 precious hours in the hospital after you gave birth to the most perfect ten fingered and ten toed baby girl you'd ever laid eyes on. You noticed the deep dimple that graced her cheek when she cried and the straight black hair that adorned her little head. Her tiny hand gripped your fingers tightly and she latched on to your breast, nursing easily right away.

You didn't sleep. You didn't dare miss a second of her.

Yixing wasn't allowed in the room with you. Your only companions were a pair or armed strangers who stood at the door. Guards from the prison transport who oversaw the birth and you'd assumed were there to make sure you didn't make a run for it, clutching your baby in one arm as you fought off hospital personnel with the other. Legs weak and wobbly from childbirth.

With your mind hyper aware of the time, you tensed and resisted as the nurses came in your room to take her. Your hands clutched to her swaddling cloth with a desperation that tore your heart out. A hand on your back and an apology that did nothing to comfort you and she was gone.

She was gone.

Gone.

She was gone and you were left with an empty belly and an emptier heart. A black hole so gaping and all consuming inside you that you could barely function.

The first nights alone and hollow in your prison cell were a blur. A haze of grief and hopelessness.

You were numb. Shell shocked and vacant.

You couldn't bring yourself to call Yixing and visits from Baozhi were refused as you gave in to the crippling anguish that consumed you.

Four days after you gave birth, your milk came in. Your breasts ached and swelled. Rock hard and reddened from the pressure that could not be relieved. Each movement brushed up against them and you cried from the pain in your chest and deeper. The pain in your heart from your unimaginable loss. Images of her tiny hands and feet, her little toes that wiggled and the way her nose scrunched up when she cried, flashing that dimple that told you she was his. She would be his now.

You felt someone close to you sitting on your bed as you cried and you opened your eyes in surprise to see Elena, your silent cell mate. She was sitting next to you holding something in her hands.

Two cabbage leaves.

Your tears temporarily stopped by the confusion of her actions you saw the first small smile on her face.

“To stop the milk” she said lowly in a voice that broke through the silence in your mind. You shook your head in response. Not understanding, yet opening your hand to receive the small gift this woman had just handed you.

“I stole them from the kitchen.” You nodded now. Looking down at the two green leaves as you lifted them up to your mouth, opening up to take a bite.

“No don't eat. You put them here.” She lifted a hand to her chest, indicating that you were supposed to stuff your bra with the leaves.

You shrugged and did what the woman told you to do. You figured they couldn't hurt worse than they already did now.

After a long moment Elena wrapped a warm arm around your shoulders and pulled you against her chest, hugging you tightly. The sudden affection and comfort surprised you more than the cabbage.

“Is he a good man? The one who visits you every day?” Elena asked over your head as her warm hands rubbed against your back, quieting the soft crying that had escaped from your chest.

“Yes.” You spoke the word with so much conviction it left no room for doubt.

“Then she will be blessed. She will be loved. As much as he loves you. More even. This is a blessing.” Her words echoed in your mind, begging for admittance. Your heart begged you to believe what she was telling you.

Yixing was a good man. The best you'd ever known. And she would be his to love and cherish for a lifetime. You had absolutely no doubts that he would be everything she needed and more. And she--she would be his entire world.

The next day you began to pull out of it. The pain was still very real and very fresh, but the cabbage leaves helped with the pain in your breasts and Elena stayed up with you last night, speaking and listening as much as you needed. You couldn't be sure what shifted in her and made her decide to open up, but you would be eternally grateful to her for it.

When you finally called him, he answered immediately. His voice was strained and betrayed the worry he had felt during your brief hiatus from life.

“I was so worried.” He exhaled into the line and you felt a small twinge of guilt at torturing him so with your silence. “I won't ask you how you are doing. I know you aren't doing ok. But I hope that you hold on. I need you to get through this, love.”

He spoke and you listened. As was often the case when you were feeling down. This time, the depth was greater than any little pity party you had thrown for yourself in the past. This was an abyss that nearly swallowed you whole.

Your ears perked up to a sound on the phone line. A sound that made you sit up straight against the small chair in the booth where inmates were permitted to make phone calls.

“She's waking up. Do you want to say hi?” Yixing's voice was cautious and you could hear a bit more fussing from the tiny baby you knew he would be rocking in his arms as he cradled the phone against his shoulder.

You heard something said in Chinese and you heard a response from Baozhi that you didn't understand.

“What….” You began slowly as you took a deep breath, momentarily distracted by the sound of cooing on the line from the tiny voice that was so familiar to you despite the time away from her.

“What did you name her?”

You heard an inhale as he cleared his throat briefly and there was a change in the sound on the line.

“I'm putting you on speaker phone so she can hear your voice.” He said to explain the change.

“I tried to get in touch with you--about her name. Baozhi went to visit a few times, I guess you weren't feeling well. We needed to make a decision -- so I picked. Her name is Mei-Xing. It's Chinese, I know. That's why I tried to talk to you. It means beautiful star.”

“Zhang Mei-Xing.” You repeated back over the line, a small smile on your face now at his choice of name. His beautiful star.

“You know how you told me that from your room, at night when the sky is clear you can usually see one star. A bright one? Well I thought that….that can be Mei-Xing. At night when you look up and see that star twinkling, you can know that she is okay. That she's happy and she's healthy and she isn't hurting anywhere or sad. And she's loved.” His voice was calm on the surface but you heard it. You heard the tremble below the calm exterior he was forcing up as he explained how he'd come to choose her name--for you. Ultimately it was a choice for you. So you would feel some sort of a connection to her.

Mei-Xing was your beautiful star too.

Your tears were falling with the swell of gratitude you felt for his gift. The tiny connection to something you could see yourself from your prison cell to tell you that she was okay.

“Thank you Yixing.” It was all you could manage to get out as the tears rolled down your face.

“She's listening to you. You should sing to her. Babies need to be sung to.” The relief in his voice got rid of the tremble and the small sniffle in his nose told you that he was probably crying as well.

“I'm not good at singing like you are--”

“Our Mei-Xing isn't judgemental. She loves all voices.” You couldn't help the giggle that burst from your chest. The first real laugh you'd let yourself enjoy in a week.

So you took a deep breath and you sang the only song that you could think of. The words of _Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star_ danced out through your lips into the phone and filled the space that occupied Yixing and Mei-Xing. Never before had you given so much attention to the words of the little children's song, but you knew from this point forward that it would be your favorite song in the world.


	6. Chapter 6

A year passed.

An entire year. Your trial date was already set once during the year until the judge granted a motion submitted by the prosecution to have the trial pushed back. The judge was quick to grant the prosecution anything they wanted and your trial was set for months later.

All you knew was that meant more months in prison. A drop in the bucket when you considered the very real possibility of spending the rest of your life in here.

Yixing was amazing. He embraced fatherhood with the same passion and bravery as he did everything else in his life and you even got to visit with Mei-Xing and Baozhi once a month. The visits were highly supervised and touching wasn't allowed. You didn't mind as much as you thought you would. Just the ability to look at her pretty face and see her smiles in person were like a breath of fresh air after spending months choking on smog.

You got regular photographs from every of Mei-Xing’s life events. Her first tooth, a gummy smile with a single sliver of white peeking up from her bottom gums with Yixing's finger pulling down her pouty bottom lip that looked just like her father's. Her first teetery steps, Yixing's hands outstretched and hovering close around her little body, ready to catch her should she stumble. You could see the changes happening through the pictures. You saw her plump up and round out as a small infant, and then stretch out and lengthen as she began walking around before her first birthday.

Her first birthday party. Surrounded by people and babies of a similar age that you didn't recognize. Mei-Xing’s friends from the small daycare where she spent half of her day. Happy smiling faces that looked on with love and affection in their eyes. You laughed out loud when you saw the picture of her unwrapping a pair of tiny pink boxing gloves and you wondered where in the world Yixing found those. He probably had them custom made for his little girl.

Tons of pictures with Uncle Baozhi, to whom the little girl seemed attached at the hip. Yixing and Mei-Xing riding on a horse in the country with big smiles and matching dimples on their cheeks. She looked just like him. Her face was a smaller version of his with the same pretty smile and big brown eyes. She always looked happy and healthy. She always looked loved.

Your talks with Yixing weren't always about Mei-Xing. A lot of times he would talk about his struggles with the loneliness of this life. How unfair it had been for him to fall in love and have you taken away from him so quickly. He'd lament on not acting on his feelings right away. His biggest regret, he said, was not kissing you sooner. As soon as he felt it on those morning runs. Or during the trainings when you two were alone and too close. All those chances missed. That was his biggest regret. He promised that he wouldn't hold back when you came back to him and you giggled at the playful tone he used when he told you these things.

When you trial date came, you half expected another delay. You'd gotten quite used to being pushed around and told to wait longer in prison for something to happen. The actual feeling of walking through the courtroom was the most surreal yet. You saw faces everywhere, all looking at you. The 12 people on the jury eyed you curiously as soon as you made your way into the courtroom. The suit you had been told to wear by your attorney felt foreign on your skin. You'd grown accustomed to the prison garbs you usually wore. You turned the heels down in favor of some flats, as you were so out of practice in the things you were sure you would trip and fall.

For the duration of your trial you were moved to a holding cell that was closer to where your trail would be held. Attorney Park said the trial was sure to last at least a week. Maybe longer. You prepared yourself for the change in surroundings and you were sure to bring your favorite pictures of Yixing and Mei-Xing with you when you were moved.

Inside the courtroom you looked around, expecting to find Yixing.

He wasn't there. Surely he would be there … Right?

With each opening of the back door you looked, expecting to see him walking in and when you didn't see him over and over you began to feel the dread.

Was he not coming?

Maybe Mei-Xing was sick and he couldn't leave her at daycare. Maybe he couldn't stand to watch the trial. Your mind churned with possibilities as the trail begun and everyone in the courtroom was sworn in.

You felt a trembling inside you when you were addressed by your full legal name by the judge. A very real fear of what was to come as the charges against you were read aloud in his intimidatingly booming voice.

So you harnessed whatever speck of courage you felt left inside your body and you held your head high as he spoke.

 _...for the murder of Officer Jang Kangwoo, in the first degree, how does the defendant plea?_  
  
Your mind was swimming.

“Not guilty, Your Honor.” Attorney Park’s voice spoke up, strong and steady. Full of the confidence you didn't have in you right now.

Your eyes drifted to the Jury. Twelve very real, very alive people of all stages of life. Some men, some women. Some looking at you now as your charges were read and opening statements began. You made eye contact with a few who quickly averted their eyes and looked at the attorney who was speaking for the prosecution.

“I will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant murdered Police Officer Jang Kangwoo, beloved son, brother and respected officer of the law, in cold blood, without any regard for the laws of this land or for the sanctity of human life.”

_Control your face. Control your emotions and do not react to what the prosecution says. No matter how much of a lie it is. No matter how angry it makes you. I will deal with them. You just sit still and let me handle the assholes in there._

You clenched down hard on your jaw, replaying Attorney Park’s strict warnings for you during the trial.

As the trial progressed and evidence was presented by the prosecution you found yourself thrust back into the events of that fateful night. The night you were attacked and had to fight for your life against the man who haunted you and hurt you over and over again. The prosecution presented Officer Jang Kangwoo as a hero. A community activist who rallied for human rights. Participating in charities and activities. While this was true of his public life, the man's private life was entirely different. Behind closed doors you knew the real Kangwoo. The one who broke your nose and slammed your head so hard against the wall it left a dent in the sheet-rock.

The well decorated police officer who won awards for bravery in the line of duty. Excelling at his profession as he rapidly outperformed his peers in the academy. The man who dissolved in a jealous fit when he saw a movie ticket stub in your pocket one night and bound your wrists with zip ties and forced himself on you, ignoring your pleas to stop.

The perfect employee who worked by the book and made more arrests two years ago than any other officer on the force. The man who forbade you to contact your best friend and locked you in the bathroom the night of her bachelorette party. You didn't make it to her wedding the next day and she never spoke to you again for it.

Prosecution witnesses included the officers who first responded to the scene in your home that night. Testifying to your strangely calm demeanor when they found you covered in blood sitting on the floor of your kitchen. Next to a dead man whom you claimed to have shot after he attacked you in your home. They replayed the scene they found detail by gruesome detail.

Your mind was numbing to the sheer flood of information that was thrown your way.

On day three of the trial as you sat with your pen and notebook making “notes” to keep yourself occupied so you wouldn't throw something at the liars who had been praising the monster who tortured you so.

A name called out in the courtroom brought you out of your daze. Someone was called to the stand with a name so profound in your heart you sat up and looked at the back of the courtroom at the man who entered.

_“Prosecution calls Zhang Yixing to the stand.”_

Your flinch was obvious and you felt Attorney Park’s hand on your knee, squeezing hard, telling you to control your emotions.

But here he was. Yixing. Your Yixing. The man you loved. He was dressed in a black suit, looking professional and much too handsome for a horrible place like this. His eyes found yours instantly. Not flinching away from your eyes like every single juror did when they got caught staring. You suddenly understood why you hadn't seen him in the courtroom. Witnesses were kept out of the trial until after they testified so their testimonies weren't influenced by anything they heard about during trial.

You saw a soft expression on his face. You saw a small reassuring smile and he made his way down the aisle, stepping between the two desks filled with paperwork and loud attorneys, steps smooth and fluid as if he floated in from out of your dreams.

He took the stand and he was sworn in.

You felt like you might pass out as he sat there and watched you with a calm expression on his face. You recognized that look. He wore his game face. This was the face he put on when he was about to step into the ring for an important fight.

This was the face he wore before he annihilated his opponent in the ring.

The prosecutor began with usual questions to be expected. How he was acquainted with the defendant.

“She is my girlfriend and the mother of my child.” His voice was steady and strong. Clear and easy to understand.

_“Were you present in your girlfriend’s home the night that Jang Kangwoo was killed?”_

There was no hesitation or pause in his confident response.

“Yes.”

You felt as if the air had been sucked out of your lungs and you tried not to react as you suffocated in silence. You couldn't help closing your eyes briefly as your mind and body screamed at you inside.

They knew Yixing was in your apartment. How long had they known? How much did they know?

You listened as Yixing gave a first hand account of the events that led to him being in your home, finding you being attacked by a strange man and stepping in to try and help. You heard his careful testimony of how there was a struggle between yourself and Kangwoo and before he realized what happened Kangwoo had been shot dead.

The sinking feeling in your stomach was growing and you were pretty sure you wouldn't be able to make it through the rest of the trail if it went this way.

Attorney Park held your trembling hand and when questions for Yixing were done you watched as your counsel cross examined him. She had very few questions for the man and you wondered if Attorney Park was as surprised that he was called to the stand as you were.

The following day was the day you were called to the stand. You were reminded of your oath. Your promise of honesty.

The prosecutor was quick with his questions, hoping to throw you off and catch you up with your version of events. You'd expected this. You'd been through possible lines of questioning with your attorney as she made sure you were ready for the fight.

_“Why did you lie to the police about your boyfriend Zhang Yixing being present during the death of Officer Jang?”_

You opened your mouth to speak and your words were stuck. It was a hard truth to admit to now.

“I -- I didn't want him to get into any trouble. I was trying to protect him.”

_”Is it not because you sought him out to begin with? Because he was a good fighter and you saw an opportunity to kill Officer Jang by manipulating Zhang Yixing into helping you do it? You batted your eyelashes at him, played the helpless victim and you made him fall for it, because you wanted Officer Jang dead?”_

“That is not true. I didn't want anyone dead.” The pushy prosecuting attorney sneered at your response, letting the jury know he didn't buy what you were selling.

_“Did you ask Zhang Yixing to kill Officer Jang for you?”_

“No, absolutely not.” You tried your best to keep your emotions out of your response, but the question was so ridiculous you might have betrayed your shock at being asked.

_"Why was Officer Jang at your house that night? Tell us the truth.”_

"I-I don't know. He just found me again. He told me he would find me and kill me." You could hear the tremble in your own voice. You couldn't help it, the man was trying to twist your words. Trying to get you to slip and admit to something.

_"Did you put up the camera?”_

“Yes” your quick response was as close to confident as you could manage.

_“Why would you put up that camera if you didn't expect him to come? Maybe you even called him over. Told him you wanted to make up, get back together. All so he could catch you with your current boyfriend, get jealous and react. What hot blooded man wouldn't react to seeing his girlfriend with another man? You did that on purpose didn't you? To bait him? You saw your chance to kill him and you took it."_

“I didn't call him. I didn’t invite him inside either, he forced himself through the door and attacked me. He told me he was going to kill me. I had the camera for home security, it's a bad neighborhood.” You lifted your chin and pulled yourself together for your response, trying to salvage what you could of your pride now that the jury knew you had already lied about Yixing. How damning was this to your case. The image of your prison cell flashed in your mind. A lifetime in there.

Your entire relationship with Mei-Xing would be a series of snapshots held in trembling fingers that would surely dwindle in frequency over the years. Her first day of school. Her first sleep-over. Her graduation from high school. Yixing walking her down the aisle on her wedding day.

And Yixing...telling you how he met someone new. Letting you know how much she liked Mei-Xing and would make a great step-mother to the poor girl who never had a real mom in her life.

This would be your punishment. Your life for Kangwoo’s. The man always got the last word, even in death.

_“No further questions Your Honor. Defense, your witness.”_

Attorney Park tried to salvage it. Your lie. She brought up the abuse and the jury seemed to be moved by the evidence that was presented along with your testimony. At least they looked you in the eye a little more once they saw more from your side. The rape kits were thrown out by the judge, citing some problem you didn't understand. The memories of the humiliation and shame you felt when you had to go to the hospital for the procedures flashed in your mind. The bitterness in the back of your throat was thick at the realization that it was all for nothing. The evidence was thrown out and you forced your face to remain calm despite the storm that brewed inside your body.

From your seat you could see the conflict in the juror’s eyes as the video of the attack began to play.

The sweet, heroic officer the prosecution presented changed before their eyes into a vicious monster who threatened you. Their own ears listening to the words from his mouth as he told you he was going to kill you. He sounded like he meant it too. The fight was out of the frame for most of it, the sounds of a struggle echoed loudly in the courtroom. When you both came back into frame you were pushed up against the wall where the look in Kangwoo's eyes turned maniacal. You saw the members of the jury flinch when he landed the two blows against your head that knocked you out, right before the video ended.

Attorney Park emphasized self defense. Citing the law's definition of self defense and how it so obviously applied to this situation. You swore you even saw the jurors nodding to themselves as she explained why you did what you did.

You were certain Attorney Park was done presenting evidence with the video. It seemed like the best chance you had, but she was standing up again to speak to the judge.

She was calling a new witness and you were honestly surprised. You hadn't been told about this witness yet. Was this so sudden that she couldn't let you know what was coming? You looked at her in question and she tapped against her watch with a shrug of her shoulders and an apologetic look on her face. It was a last minute change.

The witness was an old man you'd never seen before and he was an independent forensics expert who was testifying about Kangwoo's gun.

The gun used to kill him. To your surprise the man had a computer graphic re-enactment of the struggle for the gun that was tucked inside Kangwoo's pants, under his body that laid on the floor during the struggle.

Yixing's testimony with the police must have given them the clues to exactly how the shooting happened and when you looked at the prosecuting attorney you could see the agitation on his body as the old man spoke. Clearly he had not expected his testimony either and you listened with bated breath as the man spoke.

You could see how Kangwoo's body was pressed down with another person on top of him and the graphic showed Kangwoo's hand gripping the gun. You saw a third person enter the image. Representing when you also grabbed for the gun around the barrel. The graphic switched to real life images of your hands. Images that showed red blistered burns that looked exactly like the barrel of a gun.

“As you can see, the defendant's hands show burns consistent with a person holding on to the barrel of a gun as it is fired.”

The old man held his own hands out, indicating how you would have been holding on to Kangwoo's gun during the struggle for control.

“If a gun is being fired and a person grabs it, their hands will be in close contact with the the ignited gun-powder and super-heated gases from the explosion within the weapon. The person holding the barrel would sustain thermal injuries.”

“In my expert opinion, it is highly unlikely that a person with such burn patterns would be the person to have fired the gun. There was residual gunpowder on both the defendant's hands and on the victim’s hands, however the only person with burns from gripping the barrel was the defendant. And the burns covered both hands. Those hands were not on the trigger when the gun went off.”

“Are you saying that Jang Kangwoo was the one who fired his own gun, which resulted in his death?” Attorney Park was confirming the man's testimony. Making his words very clear for the jury who was listening to his opinion.

“That seems very likely in this case.”

“And based on the very clear burns on both of her hands, you believe it would have been physically impossible for my defendant to be the one who squeezed the trigger?”

“That is correct. Both hands were around the barrel, making squeezing the trigger impossible.”

There was a buzzing inside your chest. A building feeling as you listened to the expert’s testimony. You'd been so caught up in the fact that you were in fact touching the gun as it went off that you never even considered that fact that you never pulled the trigger. All you knew was you were trying to get ahold of it, Kangwoo's balance was off with Yixing on top of him, and then the blast from the gunshot happened. But the evidence was there all along in the pictures the police took of your hands that night. You weren't holding the gun in any way that would have let you fire it. You were trying to keep him from shooting Yixing and Kangwoo shot himself in the process.

A dangerous hope was building in your chest as the prosecutor cross examined the expert witness, trying to find fault in his logic. Trying to pick apart his facts, and when that did not work, trying to bring his expertise into question.

Attorney Park was out of witnesses. The prosecuting attorney was in a similar state as closing arguments began. The jury was reminded of the law, and of the charges against you. Reminded of the information they were allowed to consider as evidence and how they must treat all expert testimonies given during the trial. They were reminded that you, the defendant was presumed to be innocent until proven guilty, and the duty was on the prosecution to prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. The jury was re-educated on what the definition of reasonable doubt was.

The jury left, one by one, filing out of their rows into a back space where they were to deliberate and you were transported back to your holding cell until the verdict was out.

You'd spent over a year and a half in prison awaiting this trial. Over 500 days locked in a tiny cell, cut off from the outside world and the people you loved. But this…these 24 hours were the longest of your life.

When the call came the following morning that the jury was back, having reached their verdict you were a wreck. The hope you felt during the trial had brewed and churned in your belly all night and you weren't able to sleep at all. Nothing could make your mind quiet down and stop churning and all you saw was Yixing's face as he sat with his hands over his mouth, eyes wide hunched forward, watching as you left the courtroom yesterday.

You could see it in his eyes too.

Hope.

It was like a poison in your veins, spreading through your limbs slowly, making your body betray itself. Making you lose your mind. Your hands trembled as the cuffs were removed and you recognized Jo from the prison. She was your transport today and she gave you a small smile that was genuine and wished you luck as she delivered you into the waiting arms of Attorney Park.

The jury was seated. The courtroom was full and you saw Yixing sitting in the front with his lip between his teeth. Clearly unable to put on his game face now, he looked like he hadn't slept either. Worry lines and dark circles marred his pretty face just enough to remind you of how human this beautiful man really was.

No one on the jury looked at you. Could this be a bad sign? You searched the faces to the right of where you sat and not a single one of them looked your way.

Until -- a woman. A woman looked at you briefly, blank faced and stony before she quickly looked forward toward the judge. Your eyes searched and begged. Surely they had to-- Surely there was some shred of humanity in these people to see why you did what you had to do. To survive.

You wondered if it would have been a trial for murder or a medal ceremony that Kangwoo would be receiving had you been the one shot that night instead.

There was movement and your mind was swimming. The courtroom was filled with people who rose to their feet. Your nerves so heightened now you couldn't hold your hands still and you were standing as you waited for the judge to receive the folded piece of paper the head juror was handing him.

You watched his face. His eyes ticked over the words written on the tiny sheet of paper before he closed the paper back up, his face blank as stone. He betrayed nothing. You felt like you were about to vomit, despite not having eaten anything since lunch time yesterday.

The judge was speaking and he was asking the man who stood ahead of the group, the foreperson of the jury of 12 people who held your entire life in their hands.

“Have you reached a verdict?”

The man took a deep breath before he spoke and you heard a tremble in his voice and you envied him in that moment. You wished your trembling was simply due to the nerves of having to speak in front of a packed courtroom.

“We have, Your Honor.” The man spoke out and the room was spinning. You felt sweat trickling down your spine between your shoulder blades and you held your breath.

“What is your verdict?” The judge asked and the room was too silent. Your brain was buzzing too loudly for such a quiet room.

The man looked down at the sheet of paper he held in his trembling hands as he began to read slowly from its contents.

“In the crime of the first degree murder of Jang Kangwoo, We, the jury, find the defendant not guilty by reason that the state failed to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant did not act in self defense and the state failed to prove, beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant was the person who pulled the trigger.”

A strange sound filled the room around you. The sound of whooshing air as collective gasps from the people in the courtroomz sounded out behind you.

Could this be real? Were you hallucinating from the stress of the trial or maybe you were dreaming? Did you finally fall asleep in your cell last night after all? You felt like your breathing was too fast, why were you so frozen? How could this be really happening?

Someone was hugging you and a warm hand was wiping your face, wiping the tears that must have fallen there. Who was that? It was a smell so familiar? A smell that you thought you had forgotten. Crisp, clean and manly. A smell you couldn't replicate in the year and a half you spent away from him no matter how much you wished you could.

Warm hands on your cheeks, the smell of Yixing surrounding you and he was holding you tightly inside his arms now as you stood too stunned to move. How was he allowed to touch you? How was he allowed behind the partition, why wasn't the bailiff removing him from the courtroom for doing this?

“D-Did they say--” your voice wasn't working right or maybe it was your mind that wasn't working right.

You could feel the vibration of his body over your head that was resting against his chest. Quiet gasping cries were sounding out from within his chest and he was holding you so tightly. His touch against your skin felt so foreign and so familiar at the same time.

How long had you been starved of him. Absolutely convinced that you would never ever feel this again?

The judge was pounding his gavel, demanding order. Speaking loudly over the murmur of voices that had sounded out in the room.

Yixing released you from the hug and wrapped a strong arm around your waist supporting you as he stood beside you now. You noticed the judge looking in Yixing's direction and your boyfriend tensed and took a step back from you.

“I have to go back to my seat before I get arrested, love. I'll be right back here.“ His voice whispered in your ear before he was gone again and you half listened to the judge pounding his gavel, giving the chance for either side to address the jury before the court was adjourned.

“What now?” You asked Attorney Park. You were still frozen, too unsure to move without being told what to do or where to go.

“Now you get to go home. I'll take care of your belongings at the prison, you can go home now.” The words she told you still sounded too good to be true but Yixing was grabbing ahold of your hand as he urged you to come with him. Urged you to get your legs to work and just walk with him. Eventually your legs moved with him and you found yourself in a semi private hallway just outside of the courtroom. People filed by, glancing your way as they walked by and you felt the occasional hand against your shoulder or your back. Well wishers, and people who congratulated you.

“Okay there are a lot of reporters outside so we're just going to walk to my car okay? Don't answer any questions just keep your eyes forward. Are you okay? Can you do this or do you need to rest a moment?” His eyes were on you and he looked so beautiful standing in front of you, very real and definitely not a dream.

His eyes were roaming over your face and you saw his eyes turn and curve into little moons as he smiled at you. His eyes were too wet and you feared you might start crying again if you stood there looking at him any longer. You couldn't help it though. He was real and he was too beautiful.

“Just give me a minute to look at you,” you whispered and you lifted a hand to touch his face. He felt familiar. His lips were soft under your fingertips and you could feel his warm breath blowing out over your hand as you grazed over his upper lip. His lips pursed out with a tiny kiss that landed over your fingertips. His face moved and you felt him brush the tip of his nose against your hand as his eyes fluttered closed. He was just as overcome as you were. The smoothness of his warm skin below your fingertips was too much to bear. When you dropped your hand you saw his eyes open back and, the look in his eyes was intense and telling.

He blinked too slowly a few times in that way that was so Yixing as he seemed to war with something inside his mind. Then without any warning his hands were on your face, pulling you into him and his lips pressed up against yours.

His kiss was a salve that soothed your soul. His soft lips molded perfectly to yours and when his lips parted and pulled your bottom lip between his own you melted into him.

He pulled away from the kiss just as suddenly as he pressed against you and you heard the low groan at the back of his throat.

“I warned you I wouldn't hold back.” His voice was low as he slipped his hand down to grab your own securely.

He led you through the building and when you reached the front doors you saw them. Cameras and faces, all with eyes that zeroed in on you as you moved. Yixing shielded you with strong arms, one wrapped around your shoulders as the other pushed through the crowd. You kept your face calm and motionless and you didn't say a word in response to the countless questions that were shouted at you.

You noticed right away that Yixing was driving a different car. Something safe and reliable with a big back seat and a car seat strapped into the back.

As he began driving you relaxed against the seat, lulled into the silence of the car ride. You felt the exhaustion hit you suddenly and you found yourself unable to keep your eyes from closing.

You woke when the motion of the car stopped and when opened your eyes the recognition hit you hard. You saw the side of a building in front of you. The car was situated on a gravel driveway and there was a familiar sidewalk that led around to the front of the building with a single metal door that would say “The Boxing Gym”. Your wide eyes turned to Yixing who was watching you in silence from the driver's seat of his car.

You noticed he hung back, following you as you moved up to the front door and pushed it open. The low squeak of the door was perfect and exactly as you remembered. The smell inside the gym was the same too, and with the exception of a colorful corner set up with kids toys, the gym looked the same.

When you turned to look back at him he seemed to be rocking on his feet as he eyed you out of the corner of his eyes. You noticed he chewed on his bottom lip and his hands were tucked inside his pants pockets.

What was this? If you didn't know better you'd say he almost looked...nervous.

Why would Zhang Yixing be nervous around you?

The first slow step onto the floor of the gym and you felt it hit you. A wall of relief so all-encompassing you froze and gasped in a deep breath. Your eyes were wide as you took another step, looking around. Your eyes felt desperate for it. You needed to see every bit of the gym to believe you were really here. So you moved. Your legs carried you through the large empty space and you flitted around, feeling the walls and taking in your favorite place in the world. Your sanctuary. You were back. You came back to it. Back to him.

He was hanging back. Leaning against the wall of the kitchen as he watched you explore. When you reached the hallway that led to the bedrooms you slipped off your shoes as you had done countless times in the past.

The bedrooms were different. Yixing’s room was the same but there was another door on the other side that was open. A nursery inside, tastefully decorated with muted yet feminine colors. Toys and furniture. Mei-Xing's room. On the other side of that room you saw that he'd even added another bathroom. You hadn't even considered how hard it would be to raise a baby with only the gym bathrooms out in the back.

“You can have my bed for now.” He was speaking suddenly and you whirled around.

You hadn't even realized how much you had been relishing in the silence until he spoke.

“What do you mean?” You tilted your head in his direction as you arched an eyebrow. You saw his confident front drop some and he swallowed nervously.

“I mean...i-if you want to ….sleep alone.” The last words of his explanation were whispered out almost inaudibly and you stared at his face for a long while, suddenly enraptured by this version of Yixing.

Where was your confident lover who wouldn't hold back? What was it that he was so nervous about? That you might be so traumatized by prison you wouldn't want him anywhere near you? You found the very thought of spending one more night without the warmth of his body next to you repulsive. You craved everything about this beautiful human who stood well out of your reach. Watching you as he chewed on his bottom lip.

He shifted on his feet and scratched the back of his neck with his hand. He was quiet as he waited for you to say something.

Instead of speaking you moved toward him. As you drew closer you saw him visibly tense up and his eyebrows lifted in surprise.

He was frozen on his feet, too scared to move or act. Too cautious of your fragile state.

You reached for his hand and you felt his warm fingers curl around your hand the instant you touched him. His eyes were on yours. Wanting. Yet so uncertain.

You could see the quickening of his breath. His eyes darted around your face almost frantically as he tried not to be affected by your closeness and when he licked his lips and swallowed you saw a quiver in his bottom lip.

“Yixing.” You hadn't intended the breathy whisper that took his name from your lips and bounced it off of his pretty face, but you weren't exactly in your right mind right now.

His eyes closed slowly when the sound of his name on your breath reached his ears and you heard the faintest moan concealed by a quick exhale. That sound was not meant to be heard by you. Yet there it was. Tempting and erotic and replaying again in your mind until you were sure your legs would give from under you if you had to stand in this hallway for much longer.

When he gave his gaze back to you it was heated. He was fighting it but he was losing.

You felt a flex in his fingertips and you lost interest in watching his struggle.

With a tip of your feet you leaned up and pressed your lips against his. His lips pursed against yours and his hand gripped the hand that held yours but outside of that he didn't move.

When you pulled back his eyes opened up and he watched you cautiously.

“I thought you weren't going to hold back.” Your own voice sounded too low, too affected for one chaste kiss in a hallway. The truth was you'd had a taste of him and you felt so consumed with want you were practically vibrating in anticipation.

“I-I don't ...want to do anything you aren't comfortable with.” His voice was low and you felt his weight shift in your direction. He didn't take a step. But it was a lean and you wanted to pull him hard into you.

“Yixing…” his eyes were down on your lips as you spoke and the dreamy look that danced in those brown eyes wasn't lost on you. When his eyes moved back up to look into yours they took their time. By the time they had reached yours you saw the fire. As if the slow movement had caused just enough friction to ignite a match.

“I don't want you to hold back,” you said. You hated the idea that you had to beg him to touch you, but it had been so long and your longing for the man had reached dangerous levels at this point.

The man took a breath and on the exhale you saw the change. He tilted his head as he looked into your eyes and you saw the tiny smile flirting on his lips. His eyes closed slowly and opened again and he took a step as he moved closer to you. You held your ground and you felt his hand moving over yours.

“Do you remember when we were training--” He was speaking to you in a low voice. It was nearly a whisper and you straightened your head and looked at him curiously as he spoke slowly. He paused and licked his lips.

“--and we would take our pulses before--” his statements were fragments and there was something that he was doing to your hand. You could feel his fingertips along your wrist. You were suddenly hyper aware of your own racing heart and you felt the blood rush to your face, heating your skin as he called you out on it. You opened your mouth to respond to him but you stopped short when you felt him moving your own hand now.

“Do you remember what mine was like?” Of course you did. His was perfect and infuriatingly steady at all times. He was a seasoned and trained professional with a slow and steady resting heart rate that never changed. You knew he was fit, of course you remembered.

He rested your hand over his the center of his chest and you felt it. Below the steady breathing you felt his heart beating….fast. His heart was racing too fast for not having done anything at all except following you around, yet here he was, confessing to you about the effect you were having on his body.

You couldn't hide the surprise you felt and you were sure your face betrayed it. His face was so still and so passive and there was a storm below the surface that he had been fighting with his own will. Zhang Yixing was a man of self control.

“It's been like that since... I got you in here--” you felt the exhale from his lungs as he sighed and closed his eyes, stepping in closer to where you stood you felt him wrap his other arm around your waist and pull you into him. He was warmth and comfort.

“It feels like I’m dreaming… but you feel so real. You’re really here right? This isn't a dream that I’m going to wake up from is it? That would be too cruel.” You weren't sure if he was talking to you, or just pleading with himself. Hoping that this wasn't some cruel joke his brain played on him. You were slowly coming to grips with your own reality as the heat from his body sunk in.

You couldn’t stand the distance any more. The tiny space that separated your lips from his was, to you, a vast chasm that you simply could not tolerate any longer. So you leaned and he was there.

This time when your lips pressed against his his lips parted instantly and you felt him respond.

The taste of him was familiar. The feel of his lips and his tongue and his teeth, fueled by the passion you knew was inside of him. He was pushing against you and you were falling back, letting him take you wherever he wanted to take you.

It didn't take long before you were surrounded by the comfort and softness of his bed. Surrounded by the smell of him and the feel of his smooth warm skin against your own. Your clothes and his were forgotten on the floor and you felt his lips leaving your own as he kissed his way along your jawline, over the skin of your neck, down to your breasts. His fingers touched everywhere they could reach and his eyes roamed over you greedy and desperate.

Your own desperation fueled your roaming hands over his skin. You had a sudden urge to touch him, to feel him for yourself and you sat up suddenly. His eyes widened when you pushed him over onto his back and climbed up over his body, straddling him on either side of his hips with your legs. You noticed how easily he let you push him over once he realized what you were after. How different he behaved now than from the trainings. Teacher Yixing would never have let you win this easily. Your arousal sat directly over his hardness and you could feel him slipping within your wetness.

You felt his hips buck up and his eyebrows screwed together when he felt himself rubbing against you. You felt too wet, too wanting, too desperate for him and when you gave up on any attempts to hold out any longer and lifted your hips to guide him inside you, the groan that escaped from his chest was too much. He was too much. You were long out of practice and the stretch bordered on painful as you squeezed around his length. His eyes closed, his mouth opened wide and you felt his fingers digging hard into your thighs. Your hands braced on his abdomen, holding yourself up just enough to ease some of the discomfort you felt with him inside you completely so suddenly.

“Fuck--” you heard him whisper through the breath he seemed to be holding and when you lifted off him again, sinking down faster you heard a whiney gasp from him. Clearly he was out of practice as well and was struggling with his own self control.

A third lift of your hips and a faster descent over him and you felt him move. You saw his eyes fly open quickly and he sat up. Wrapping his arms tightly around your waist, up your back you were moving. Overcome easily by his strength he flipped you back onto your back roughly and you felt him pull out of you. You missed him instantly and you clenched around the nothingness of his absence.

“Y-Yixing” you complained, your voice was a low breathy whine and you saw the smirk on his face.

“Nuh-uh” he said, shaking his head as he bit down on his lip. His face was still screwed together in deep concentration and he seemed to be keeping his dick well out of reach of your roaming hands.

“You're going to make me cum too fast like that baby, you're being unfair.”

You didn't have time to be upset at his denial because he was moving down your body. You felt his hands at your thighs as he pushed against them and you felt soft wet lips pressing against the soft flesh there. You felt his tongue and his teeth biting along your inner thighs and you gasped when you felt his hot breath between your legs. His tongue was warm against you and you couldn't help the whimper when you felt it brush against your core.

Your legs wanted to close up. You had a sudden urge to retreat from him and another urge to open your legs and grip his hair, pulling him into you. His hands on your thighs were strong and you gave up trying to close up when his mouth opened up over your clit and you felt the suction of his mouth. You felt his tongue inside his mouth moving against the sensitive nub and your his hair felt soft when you gripped and pulled against the roots.

With a deep moan that resonated from his wet mouth up through your body you felt yourself losing whatever flimsy bit of control you held over yourself. The deprivation had been too great. You had missed him too much and when you opened your eyes you saw the sinful sight. His dark hair in your hands, his head between your parted legs, bobbing with the movement of his tongue, his teeth, his lips, and he opened his eyes, making eye contact with you as you felt yourself losing control. You felt the powerful wave crash over your head, a lightning burst that radiated outward from your center and you closed your eyes as your legs tightened around him, squeezing down hard as you came undone.

You half paid attention to him climbing up the bed as the high faded and his lips were back on yours. His arms rested on either side of your face and you felt overwhelmed by his body head and his weight pressing down over you.

“I don’t think I can stand it anymore. It’s been too long and I've missed you too much,” his breath was labored and erratic and you felt his heat between your legs. He guided himself in between your wetness, sliding around easily and lined up with you. The push inside was easy and as he moved inside you he covered you entirely with his body and his lips. The smell of him filled your senses and completely as he filled you. You gripped tightly around his back, fingers gripping against lean flexing muscles and you felt more than just the pleasure of the sex. You felt the intense closeness and the overwhelming intimacy that you'd been so deprived of for so long. He was trembling now as he pushed inside over and over and you felt the shuddering inside as he came, filling you up.

When you opened your eyes you saw his brown eyes, so affected so full of wonder and adoration as he watched your face. The longer you looked at him the more you saw the raw emotion that he’d worked so hard to keep under wraps for your benefit. Your own tears brimmed and threatened to spill over the edge when you saw the first tear drop breach and run down his face. He closed his eyes and another fell, dripping over your skin and he dropped his face down to you, turning his head to rest a cheek over your chest. His breath was ragged as he cried silently, tightening the hold his arms had around your body below his. You felt his tears, warm and fresh as they fell, running over your skin. You didn't even try to stop your own from falling.

Eventually the sobs quieted down in his chest and you heard the deep inhale as he calmed down from the intense emotions that overtook him. Your fingers ran slowly through his hair now, massaging his scalp with your fingertips with each pass.

“I knew you would come back to me.” You heard him whisper. He shifted some so he was laying beside you, and higher up, using your pillow to rest his head so he could face you again, looking into your eyes. His cheeks were pink and his eyes were red.

You didn't have a response for him. You were feeling too comfortable now as you savored the feeling of him.

“I’m sorry the trial was pushed back so many times. We had to make sure we could get that witness to testify. The gun expert.” He was speaking a bit louder now. His voice had recovered and you looked at him now, the surprise clearer on your face.

We? The gun expert? Yixing had played an active role in helping with your trail? So much so that he was privy to specifics about witnesses for the defense and trial dates?

“You were working with Attorney Park?” You asked with a small crack in your voice as you forced the question.

He nodded the smallest of nods.

“I had to. I just couldn't sit back and do nothing.”

Too much. The gratitude and the love you felt for Yixing was too much. All of it was too much so you did the only thing you could. You wrapped your arms around him and held him tightly as you told him again and again how much you loved him. You swore to yourself that you'd spend the rest of your life making sure he knew just how much you loved him.

Eventually the spell wore off and you had to move. You had to shower and change and to your surprise Yixing had all of your clothes from your old apartment in his closet. He also told you that he had your furniture as well in a storage unit, waiting for you to come back and make a decision for it all.

As you showered and changed he instructed you to rest as he made lunch. You were promised a busy afternoon. He was going to be picking Mei-Xing up from the daycare close by and you were told that you had some songs to sing to her.

While you'd talked to her nearly daily over the phone, you had very few in person visits with the little girl that you loved so dearly. The little girl who only knew you as a voice over the phone. The little girl who you knew from snapshots and first hand accounts from her loving father and uncle.

To say you were nervous was an understatement. What if she didn't like you? What if she didn't recognize you at all and shunned you? What if she was scared of you?

You pushed those thoughts away in favor of a much needed nap. After lunch you were pushed by a very strong, very insistent man who just happened to be the love of your life, into his room to sleep.

You woke with a jolt. The immediate sensation was confusion. Why was it so quiet? Was something wrong in the prison? As you moved your arms around the bed you laid in you noticed it felt different. The bedding was soft and much more comfortable than what you were used to and what was that smell?

As you rolled in the bed trying to pull your mind from the heavy sleep you were under you smelled him.

Yixing.

Realizations hit you all at once and you sat up quickly. You were in Yixing's bed. The same bed you remembered from before it all. It still smelled like him, crisp clean sheets and that same manly scent that followed him around everywhere he went. You were alone with a blanket draped over your body and a single ceiling fan spinning overhead.

How long had you been out? Your eyes adjusted and you looked around. The feel was undeniable. It felt like him. Comfortable and lovely. The comfort you felt surrounding you was overwhelming and you resisted the urge to lay back down and snuggle against his pillow for some more sleep.

Instead you got up and padded across the room, finding the door open just a touch you pulled it and slowly made your way down the hallway toward a sound you heard from the empty expanse of the gym.

The sounds grew louder and louder the more you walked and you slowed your steps when you heard it.

There were some voices and you recognized Yixing's voice speaking to someone but his tone was different that's he ever spoke to you. He sounded sweet and soft as he talked and you could hear Baozhi giggling and laughing. It was the third voice that you heard that stopped you in your tracks.

It was a the tiny voice of a little girl that you recognized from your daily phone conversations with Yixing. Mei-Xing. She was here.

Mei-Xing was laughing. You could hear your daughter’s voice ringing out like a joyous bell that echoed throughout the gym and your felt your heart beating too fast inside your chest.

From the sound of their words you knew that all three of them were speaking in Chinese. You’d heard little one word responses from her after Yixing would speak and she would his repeat words easily.

You made your legs move again, unable to resist any longer and you stopped at the doorway that opened up into the gym. From where you stood you could see Yixing kneeling down next to the little black haired girl and they seemed to be playing some sort of game.

His smile was so wide and genuine as he played with her and you watched in wonder at the sight.

As if he sensed you his eyes found yours quickly and you stiffened, realizing it was time. Your nerves mounted and yixing bent down and whispered something to the little girl whose back was facing you.

You heard a word. A single word spoken her tiny voice that made your breath catch in your throat. A word so profound you nearly cried when you heard it. A word you were convinced you would go your entire life without ever hearing in person.

Her eyes were fastened squarely on yours when she said it.

“Mommy?” That single word was the most beautiful sound you'd ever heard in your whole life.

THE END 


End file.
